Hiyayakko

Last night Steph and Tomo came over to visit before Tomo leaves again for Hawaii. I haven’t seen him since he moved to Japan a couple of years ago, so it was very nice. He cooked an amazing salmon dinner and made hiya yakko—my favorite tofu dish (raw tofu with grated ginger, onions, and bonito).

I can’t say I was much company. I was so tired that I had to go to bed at 9:00 after not having slept well on my backpacking trip.

Unfortunately, I haven’t had time to catch up on the blog. I had a long, interesting conversation with my professor about my assessment, met with my spiritual teacher for a few hours, and finally turned in my application for loan consolidation by the June 30th deadline to lock in the low-interest rate of 4.75.

It's still unclear to me whether or not that means that I will have to start repayment right away. But, with owing loans for graduate school the first time around and this year's tuition at Bastyr, I figured it would be best to consolidate regardless.

Choose Life

I received another apropos message, given the idea that in the past I have not fully brought forth all of my gifts and strengths. I have been afraid to be big. To be powerful. I have done so in many areas of my life; I have done this in my relationships. I have behaved in certain ways, as if I were fully myself, there would not be a container large enough to hold me.

Choose life! Only that and always! At whatever risk. To let life leak out, to let it wear away by the mere passage of time, to withhold giving and spending it...is to choose nothing.
Sister Helen Kelly

My time of waiting is over. In my assessment, I said that I wanted to step fully into my own power. But it’s not something that is out there, in the distant future.

I am doing this now; I am taking the first steps to bring forth all of who I am—at whatever risk.

I choose life.

Caesura

I got up at six today for an early-morning run at Seward Park.

It was a beautiful time of morning with the sun fully coming into its own.

I’m behind on entries, first because of school and then being gone for a few days on an incredible backpacking trip (to Goat lake of all places :). I’m hoping to have time to catch up this afternoon.

Here's a small taste. More to come later.

Trust yourself. Find your True North

Module five included two days (and nights) of something called Marketplace. In that time, we created a company from scratch. A pre-selected management team hired employees from the first-year class. Then, together, we decided on a vision and goals for the company. Using a small amount of seed money, we had to develop, produce, and sell a given product while trying to make as much profit as possible within the allotted time.

I worked for a company called True North. My mentor Jim just happened to be the CEO. Because of my real-life skills, I chose to work with the Sales and Marketing Department. True North was the largest company and each department actually had 4-7 employees, so it was very much like a real start up--limited resources, people wearing many hats, cross-functional teams, oh and incredible pressure.

In addition to seed money, companies involved in marketplace could also use investment money, which all needed to be paid off at the end of business before profits were calculated and salaries were paid.

I found the most interesting aspect of marketplace to be the role of leadership. Much of the material we are learning came into play: the Waterline Model, task and maintenance behavior, and the ability to lead from any position. Our company worked to achieve a triple bottom line, creating economic, environmental, and social prosperity. This meant focusing not only on profit, but also on people and the planet. As part of this, we made a strong effort to use only eco-friendly materials.

Marketplace was an incredible experience. At first, I thought it would be more appropriate for an MBA program—not for people who are training to become therapists and consultants—but the things I learned were invaluable. And, I received a check at the end of the day. The real value, however, came from watching the transformation in both the group and in myself over the course of the weekend.

The product we sold was called Essential Elements, and was a gift of organic seeds, a hand-decorated terracotta planter, water that our group blessed (inspired by Massaru Emoto and The Hidden Messages in Water), incense, and inspirational messages. The idea behind our product was that in life you need all aspects in balance. Light/Shadow. Movement/Reflection. Joy/Sadness. Comfort/Challenge. Growth/Stability.

If you have not seen What the Bleep Do We Know!?, and would like to know more about the blessed water, The Hidden Messages in Water contains information about how our thoughts can influence health and well being.

"This book has the potential to profoundly transform your world view. Using high-speed photography, Dr. Masaru Emoto discovered that crystals formed in frozen water reveal changes when specific, concentrated thoughts are directed toward them. He found that water from clear springs and water that has been exposed to loving words shows brilliant, complex, and colorful snowflake patterns. In contrast, polluted water, or water exposed to negative thoughts, forms incomplete, asymmetrical patterns with dull colors. The implications of this research create a new awareness of how we can positively impact the earth and our personal health."

We sold every single one of our products. We also held a silent auction of services people had donated, which earned hundreds of dollars. Todd donated his CDs; Jodi offered a series of dance lessons; and others offered acupuncture and massage services. We even sold many of our marketing materials and paintings.

To go with our compass logo, we developed some key phrases:
Representing Air: Inspiration. Breathe.
Representing Water. Life. Receive Our Blessings.
Representing Fire: Love. Find Your Passion.
Representing Earth: Abundance. Sow Your Seeds.

At the center of the compass, Representing Grace: Trust Yourself. Find Your True North.

As I become fully myself, the grace of spirit touches me and through me touches all that I encounter

I have never seen as much synchronicity and irony as I have in the past few days. There are so many things I want to write about, but for now I want to share another excerpt from Blessings:

"There is a vitality, a life force, an energy, a quickening, that is translated through you into action, and because there is only one of you in all of time, this expression is unique. And if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium and will be lost."
Martha Graham

The Breath of Spirit Breathes
Through Me
I am a unique conduit for the good of the universe to flow into the world. As I listen and respond to my inner guidance, I bring to the world originality and opportunity. I have a unique healing presence which blesses those who know me.

As I open my heart to being true to my own nature, I provide for others a personal and providential medicine. We do not interact by mistake. I am placed where I am and with whom I am for many important reasons.

As I become fully myself, my individual personality brings specific gifts to those who surround me. As I open myself to unfolding my own inner gifts, the gifts of my nature grace others in outward and material ways.

My presence in this world is important. My attitudes and actions have importance. As I choose to be a healing and creative presence, I am a balm for a troubled world.

The grace of spirit touches me and through me touches all that I encounter…

It's here now

I can feel it. I can hear it. I can see it.

I can touch it.

Patience

Today is the first day of module, and we have 8 hours of statistics. Then, the real stuff begins.

Sitting here is very difficult for me, as I don’t do well when I’m not challenged. I know today is a chance for me to practice being mindful, to sit patiently and not have anything to occupy my mind.

It's all about the numbers

If you have been around me at all lately, you know that I have this fascination with numerology. What's funny is that you probably also know how mathematically challenged I am, which makes my interest rather ironic. Everyone in my family is mathematically talented. That is everyone except for me.

I have to say that my aversion to mathematics is rooted in a memory from my childhood. When I was maybe five, my father tried to teach me the Pythagorean Theorem. I was far too young to understand it. At the time, I also remember him trying to explain the concepts in one of his favorite books: Gödel, Escher, and Bach: An Eternal Golden Braid, which talks about the relationship between math, art, and music. Let's just say I was a little too young to grasp it and felt like a failure.

So, after buying a book on numerology to learn more, I found out that one of the major contributors to numerology was none other than Pythagoras. Here is something that I would say was a negative experience from my childhood and the same ideas are coming to me now in a very positive way. Sometimes I think the universe has an incredible sense of humor. And, positive or negative, my father planted this seed about numbers having a certain vibration or energy in my mind.

I discovered that my life path number is 9. The number 9 represents an ending of cycles that have been evolving. It is the number of the humanitarian, and allegedly is a number that forces us to strive to be our personal best while in the physical world. Words that are associated with this number include: Perfection, Love, Artist, Writer, and Leader. The shadow side of this number represents demanding approval, a jack of all trades, and things that are not spiritual.

My favorite number has always been 3. I don't know why. There is just something about it. When I had the chance to request certain numbers for my license plate, I requested three 3s, which add up to my life path number (before I knew anything about numerology). The number 3 is an expressive number. It's all about Creativity, Growth, and Abundance. On the flip side, it can also mean Sadness, Shyness, and Lack of Direction.
In addition to your life path number (the month of your birth + the day of your birth + the year of your birth, which is then reduced to a single digit by adding the remaining numbers together--07+09+1973=36=9), you can also find out your personal year, which goes from your last birthday to your next birthday (07+09+2005).

I am currently in a 5 personal year (ending very soon), which is characterized by a hurricane-type energy denoting a powerful, forceful change. It is also associated with growth, expansion, education, travel, and exploration. It's very fitting considering the year I've had. The shadow side of the number 5 can indicate restlessness, boredom, or having difficulty with authority.

Hmmm. Maybe there is something to numerology, after all.

Let the games begin

It’s been a crazy day. I got more accomplished today than I have in the past week. I guess old habits die hard--and I work well under pressure. I spent hours at the library searching for an article on how exercise is proven to be as effective as antidepressants, when all I needed was a simple research study to analyze for statistics.

I ran six miles today. This morning, I woke up and went for a run around Seward Park. Then later this afternoon (because I still needed to procrastinate on my stats paper), I went for a run along Lake Washington Blvd. Going for a second run was indulgent, considering all that I still needed to get done. I made time in part because I wanted to feel great going into module. And I do. I feel strong. Energetic. Excited.

It’s a welcome change from the serious funk I’ve been in lately. I’ve had time to think about how I’ve been held by fear in the past. Now, I have the choice before me of whether to leap, not knowing where I will land.

When I quit my full-time job after just buying a house, a very dear friend sent me a card with a quote by Anais Nin on it and a black-and-white picture of a man walking on an open, endless road. When I contemplate taking a risk, these words are of great comfort to me.

“Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one’s courage.”

To granddad's house we go

Going to my dad’s for a belated father’s day celebration and to drop Koya off before class. This time it will be for a full week. :(

I think it's hard for him when I'm away for so long. He gets mad at me, and sometimes his hot spots get worse. I now have him on Chinese herbs and a special diet. So, hopefully, he will do better staying with my dad this time around. At least he will get lots of love and attention, which he's all about.

I'm stopping at the store so that I can arm my dad with treats. A well-fed dog is a happy dog. Let's hope, anyway.

I open life...

Can't sleep, again. This usually happens right before module--too many things rushing through my head.

I stumbled across a poem from one of my favorite authors, Pablo Neruda. I love the way it starts.

"When I close a book
I open life"

There are far too many line breaks to copy the poem into blogger, but you can read all of Ode to the Book here.

Early morning light

I couldn’t sleep much last night and still got up very early. I realized I left my running gear at home, which is a shame, because it was a gorgeous morning and it would have been nice to run along the beach here. I went swimming instead. It was actually very nice. I had the pool completely to myself, and the early morning light was flooding the pool house.

This time it’s been good to travel with Stephanie. We’ve known each other almost half our lives and have traveled all over the world together over the years: Korea, Japan, India, Nepal, Taiwan, Hong Kong, China, Thailand. After both of us left Japan, we went on a final adventure together and traveled throughout Indonesia for a month. Usually, we act more like sisters than friends, as we tend to argue. We haven’t this time at all. I think pregnancy suits her. She seems calmer, happier.

We had an amazing dinner last night at the Fountain, a cute little restaurant on Washington street. I always try to eat there when I come to Pt. Townsend. Great food, organic local ingredients, good wine, and a warm atmosphere.

After walking around town (we saw some amazing art work), we went to Elevated Ice Cream for a late-night treat. When I ordered I said, "This may sound a little strange, but I'm going to have the root beer ice cream on top of the marrionberry pie."

The girl behind the counter laughed sweetly at me and said, "That's not weird at all. This is Pt. Townsend." As if in a community of artists nestled on the sea, nothing could be weird. It's a quirky little town. I guess the people are kind of quirky, too.

The waterfront at sunset

My love affair with Pt. Townsend

Because there was so much snow at Mt. Rainier, my friend and I are taking a trip to Port Townsend, which happens to be one of my favorite places in Washington. Pt. Townsend is filled with artists and musicians and has a very vibrant culture for such a small place.

I almost moved there in 1995 right after graduating from college for what I thought was the absolute perfect job. I was going to be a writer/editor for a small online magazine called Moms Online, which later got bought by Oprah (The Oxyge Network). This was before the Internet was very popular, and so it would have been a great business opportunity. The job paid really well; I liked the people; and it would have been a great chance to write about things that were interesting to me. (My portfolio in college included a lot of short stories and a book of poems that all had to do with women's issues in one way or another).

For my third interview, I got to take an all-expenses paid trip to Pt. Townsend. I fell in love with the town then. And, I’ve continued my love affair over the years, visiting every chance I can. People I’ve dated have whisked me away to stay in the castle or the old Victorian B&B. Sunniva and I try to go there around Christmas time each year and love just walking around town on cold, windy days.

I don’t know if the magazine is still in existence. (A search comes up with many small message boards, but nothing big). Everyone at the little magazine said they loved my writing, but they ended up hiring someone else who was actually a mother. I thought it was discrimination at the time. The owner asked me to write freelance for them, but I had a very bruised ego and said no. The things young people do…

So, until I can retire one day, I’m limited to weekend getaways.

I’m looking forward to kayaking and visiting all of the little art galleries. This weekend Port Townsend has a couple of festivals, a gay-pride parade, and lots of great music. Plus I get to go to my favorite little bar: Sirens.

I never understood why I didn't get the job...

My mom got sick very soon after that, and I realize now there was a very good reason for me to have not moved away. It meant I got to spend a little more time with her. And for that, I will always be thankful.

Close call

This will make many of you laugh (with me, mind you, not at me). I was slow getting ready this morning and left in a crazy rush--made sure Koya was o.k., threw some clothes in a bag, grabbed the keys, and headed for the car. I got to the ferry terminal just in time for the 11:40 ferry. I was getting ready to pay and soon discovered that I had my computer with me and everything else I needed for the weekend except of course for my purse. Stephanie had money, but I would have felt a little anxious without my things.

I ran back home, fetched my wallet, and made my way through traffic. (It was slow, because of Race for the Cure). I ended up driving onto the ferry at exactly 12:25, when the ferry was scheduled to depart. Now that's cutting it close.

After showing restraint this afternoon at SoulFood Books, I went for a walk around Greenlake this evening and lost all resolve at Title 9 Sports.

I gave in and bought a new hiking book: Day Hike! Central Cascades: The Best Trails You Can Hike in a Day and Runner's World Complete Book of Women's Running: The Best Advice to Get Started, Stay Motivated, Lose Weight, Run Injury-Free, Be Safe, and Train for Any Distance.

I’ve been talking with a friend about going away for the weekend--either to Canada or to Mt. Rainier. (There are these cute cabins at the base of the mountain I discovered a few years ago). Otherwise, Day Hike has lots of trails that sound tempting within a couple hours of Seattle.

Coffee May Protect Liver from Alcohol Abuse

Yesterday I was having problems with my Internet service (again)! I was on the phone with support for what seemed like ages. While we were testing my connection speed, I stumbled across an article on NPR.org about how Coffee May Protect the Liver from Alcohol Abuse. Mmmm.

According to a recent study by Kaiser, “Heavy alcohol drinkers who also drank more than four cups of coffee a day had one-fifth the risk of developing cirrhosis compared to those who didn't drink coffee.”

I thought about my dad. He drinks a lot of coffee. So do I, even though I’m trying to cut down and drink tea instead. I still think of coffee as my one vice. I know it’s bad for me, but I can’t seem to break the habit (maybe I really don’t want to?). It’s interesting that coffee may actually have a positive effect at all.

A while ago, National Geographic came out with this amazing article on the effects of caffeine on the brain. It was scary to see virtually no brain activity in MRIs for people who were addicted to caffeine and who had not had any. Once these “addicts” were given a single cup of coffee, MRIs showed almost immediate brain activity. The article startled me, and I wish it was enough to make me quit. There was even another article about how doctors now consider caffiene addiction a mental disorder.

There’s just something about having the first cup of coffee in the morning. Yes, you can get the same caffeine from tea. But it’s just not the same.

Recently, a couple of my male friends have stopped drinking coffee all together, and now they experience a lot less anxiety. Strangely, out of all of my friends, these are also the two people who drink the most alcohol. I wonder if I should tell them.

Loving What Is

I met with Lisa today for a few hours. I am so lucky to have such wonderful teachers in my life—teachers who really challenge me.

Lately, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about how my actions are, at times, not at all congruent with my intentions. With the family constellation training, what we are learning in LIOS, and many of the books I’m reading, I’m becoming more aware of my own patterns. It’s really painful to see how my own thoughts and fears are affecting certain situations in my life.

After my session with Lisa, I went to the Sunlight and read more of Loving What Is. Self realization honestly can be a pain in the ass. In the long run, I know all the questioning and self reflection will lead me to a better place; it just makes things in my life a bit more complicated at the moment. It’s like all of a sudden this information is coming from nowhere.

And part of me would rather go wash the dishes.

I’m behind...

I’m behind...on just about everything. I've got invoices to write, reading to catch up on, business cards to make, NDAs that I need to sign and turn in. And we only have a week until module, when life seems to come to a screeching halt.

Sometimes, I need to remember to just breathe.

Nest of Spies

I saw a fabulous French movie at SIFF last night called OSS 117: Le Caire - Nid D'Espions (Nest of Spies)—a spoof on old James Bond movies. One of the highlights was seeing Jean Dujardin sing in Arabic.

My stomach hurt from laughing so much. Watch a clip of the movie and you’ll see.

Aure Atika (the main actress) introduced the film by saying, “In the movie, as in life, the women are much smarter than the men.”

Swimming

I’m going swimming with Zia. It’s been ages since I’ve been to the pool, so it will be good for me. Plus, Koya and Harry will get to play for a few hours.

Last summer, Zia and I went down to the lake often, procrastinated on work, and played Scrabble for hours. If only it was a bit warmer. I think Lake Washington might be a bit too cold yet.

"Whatever you can do, or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, magic, and power in it."

I went to see William today. I’ve had a pretty full plate lately with the Family Constellation Training and classes, so have not seen him in a few weeks. I’m lucky to have found such an amazing counselor.

I found William through Char Sundust, who suggested I look into LIOS years ago. Funny thing is William knows a lot of other people that I’m working with right now—like he knows my mentor from the program, who, in turn, knows my spiritual teacher. It’s a small world, especially when the universe is conspiring to move you in a certain direction.

I never know what my sessions with William will be like and I’m always thankful for them, even when I have to do a tremendous amount of work. Like a good friend, he challenges me and doesn't tell me what I want to hear.

Today, we talked about training to become a Shaman and how the painful lessons that I'm going through are really part of the preparation for my life's work.

Our conversation made me remember something I read in The War of Art: Winning the Inner Creative Battle, a book one of my professors recommended for me about resistance to creativity. Publishers Weekly calls the book "a cross between Sun-Tzu's The Art of War and Julie Cameron's The Artist's Way" and states that "whether one wishes to embark on a diet, a program of spiritual advancement or an entrepreneurial venture, it's most often resistance that blocks the way. To kick resistance, Pressfield stresses loving what one does, having patience and acting in the face of fear. "


The Magic of Making A Start
Concerning all acts of initiative (and creation) there is one elementary truth, the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans; that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then providence moves, too. All sorts of things occur to help one that would not otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising one’s favor all manner of unforeseen incidents and meetings and material assistance, which no man would have dreamed would come his way. I have learned a deep respect for one of Goethe’s couplets: ‘Whatever you can do, or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, magic, and power in it. Begin it now.’
-- W.H. Murray, from The Scottish Himalayan Expedition

"Rainy days and Mondays always get me down"

I got all ready to go for a run and then got to the park and it started pouring. What luck! I guess it’s good for me to wait, as my knee is still messed up from when I went hiking last week. So, instead, I decided to have breakfast at a little restaurant near my house and catch up on work.

I'm trying to have a good attitude, but today is just a rotten day. First the health insurance, then the rain, then the cook at the restaurant decided not to show up, so no food for us.

What's really bothering me is that I'm dreading talking to my housemate about a long list of items, a string of Difficult Conversations. There’s the fact that it's the 12th and she has not paid rent yet. She has a lot (A LOT) of animals and isn’t the greatest at cleaning up after them, and so my house smells rather like a zoo. And then there’s the fact that my utility bill has gone up from something like $135 (where it's remained steady for the past year) to $214 because she does more laundry in a day than I do in a month. Seriously.

She is a great housemate for the most part. She looks after Koya when I'm gone; she isn't home much and when she is, she keeps to herself. I guess what I’m mad about is that part of it (most of it?) is my fault for not being more assertive in the beginning. It’s not that I’m conflict avoidant, because I’m not.

According to The Thomas-Kilman Conflict Mode Instrument, each of us has some combination of five modes of conflict: Avoiding, Accommodating, Competing, Compromising and Collaborating and natural inclinations to use some of these modes more than others. These five modes are described as follows:

Competing: High assertiveness and low cooperativeness. The goal is to "win".
Avoiding: Low assertiveness and low cooperativeness. The goal is to "delay".
Compromising: Moderate assertiveness and moderate cooperativeness. The goal is to "find a middle ground".
Collaborating: High assertiveness and high cooperativeness. The goal is to "find a win-win situation".
Accommodating: Low assertiveness and high cooperativeness. The goal is to "yield".

My primary conflict style is Accommodating, with Compromising and Competing (ironically) as close seconds. Those with Accommodating as their primary conflict style place an emphasis on human relationships. As a downside, they can ignore their own goals and resolve conflict by giving into others. There are definite times when accommodating is important:

when maintaining the relationship outweighs other considerations
when suggestions/changes are not important to the accommodator
when time is limited or when harmony and stability are valued

However, there are situations where other, less conciliatory, modes of conflict would be more useful. I just have to bite the bullet and say something. I’m paying way too much for a mortgage for my house to smell like a zoo…

To be a freelancer...

I’m a bit out of sorts this morning. My application for private healthcare insurance got denied, because I was honest (too honest as a couple of friends have suggested) about my history and previous accident-related injuries. It turned out that I was above the allowed points for Regence-who, by the way, has been my insurance provider for the last 3-4 years.

I’m sort of at a loss about what to do. I can appeal with a secondary application for the plan I want. I can try for a plan that does not have as comprehensive of coverage.

The plan through Bastyr that's either $40 a quarter or a year (I can't remember) is now looking very good, although it does not cover anything outside of the Natural Health Clinic. The clinic offers everything from acupuncture and naturopathy to traditional hydrotherapy treatments and massage.

And although I complained about the price, I'm very thankful that I got to keep Corbra as long as I did.

On Connection...

When I was writing case studies for Microsoft, we (writers/editors) had a list of words that you could essentially use for any story—sort of like Mad Libs, where you just fill in the missing pronouns. The story was always the same. Leverage. Deploy. Face. Challenge. Engage. Profit. Increase. Percentage. Installed. Collaborate. Access. Users. Efficiency. Reduction.

Most of these words became tainted for all of us; I don’t think I will ever be able to use the word deploy without feeling ill.

In preparation for Module 5, the first-year students in my I-Group at LIOS are exchanging our self-assessment papers, so that we will be better-prepared to give each other feedback and face members of the faculty. In reading these papers, I’ve noticed that we, too, have a list of words.

Show up. Transparency. Connection. Intention. Differentiation. Challenge. Relationship. Impact. Resiliency. Authenticity. Leadership. Learning. Paradox. Polarity. Tension. Inquiry. Manage. Self-Sooth. Growth. Identify. Expansion.

But even though these words are just as overused, they don’t drive me crazy. In fact, I like them. My classmates and I can joke about them being over used. And, strange thing, none of them are loosing their meaning. Instead, layers are being added. The words now all have stories behind them; they have faces of people you care about and people who push your buttons. They have history.

But I guess these words still mean different things to each of us, and they can be used without the same effect as more specific statements. I had to laugh when after I-Group one day, one of my favorite professors said, “What the fuck does connection mean anyway?”

Thank you!

Lately, I’ve been writing a lot. I woke up for the first time in years the other night to write something down. I think that’s a good sign. I’m still writing about things that are safe. I’m not writing poems or fiction even. I’m not writing about my mom. I’m not writing about the things that sometimes keep me awake at night.

But I AM writing. More and more these days.

I’m thankful to have this as “practice for the writing muscle” as Anne Lamont would say. (Read Zia's review of bird by bird). It’s started the process. I’m listening to things around me more; I’ve started to compile a long list of ideas that I will write about when I have the time. If I’m diligent, maybe those ideas will lead me to write for real again.

And, it’s practice for me to “show up” completely to those in my life. I’ve gotten so much encouragement from the little that I have shared. It’s made a world of difference for me. So, thank you—for all of the messages, the prodding to get off my ass (after how many years?), and for all of your support. The words "You make loving fun" come to mind. I swear, there is a Feetwood Mac song for everything.

"You have always been a storming ocean, and never a calm blue sea…”

I was looking out at the ocean, thinking that I felt more at home there than anywhere else. I always have. It’s powerful. Awesome. Beautiful. I was wondering why I felt so comfortable. It’s as if part of my soul is fragmented and only comes alive when I’m at the ocean. I’m a Cancer and we love the water? No. It’s almost a full moon? No.

I remember what someone dear to me who I dated for a very long time said to me once, “You have always been a storming ocean, and never a calm blue sea…”

I wonder what it would be like sometimes—to be like a calm blue sea. Soothing. Peaceful. Not turbulent, wild, unpredictable. That peacefulness, the stillness, is something I long for and yet I wonder if I would be more content living a life that was more constant, not prone to such fluctuation. Such great highs and incredible lows.

On the drive home, I listened to Wherever You Go, There You Are by Jon Kabat-Zinn, where he talked about mindfulness meditation. He says that many of us try constantly to “push the river.” But you can’t push a river.

Exactly!

He mentioned qualities that can help with a path of mindfulness meditation. Patience. Concentration. Generosity (of self). There was a long list. I think I struggle with many of them. I don’t know how to stand in the middle, to not be swayed by extremes of joy and sadness.

Recently, I was reading about my numerological profile to a friend of mine. It said that people with the number 9 as their life path number swing between depression and ecstasy. “You don’t do that. Swing between depression and ecstasy. "

I laughed. “Sadly, yes, I do. Very much so.”

Maybe the calmness comes with practice. Jon Kabat-Zinn mentioned that you can’t aim to obtain a more peaceful state with meditation, but really the purpose is to be fully aware of all moments and emotions exactly as they are. In joy. In anger. In sadness.

In being a storming ocean, and never a calm blue sea.

A little knowledge can be a very dangerous thing...

Friday June 9th

I don’t think I’ve ever had a more perfect day. Woke up to the sound of the ocean and then sat on the beach watching the waves crash against the shore. I am sitting next to the fireplace, with the cool ocean breeze coming in the window. Yes, this is the perfect morning.

I ran 4 miles along the shore and felt completely alive. This time alone has been so good for me, so precious. I was thinking this morning how much easier life was before LIOS in some ways. I could blame others; I could blame circumstances. I don’t have that luxury anymore. It’s work to look at the part I play in things, to peel back the layers and see what’s true.

I’m reading 20 some books right now, all in different stages. I brought Blessings with me by Julia Cameron, the author of The Artist’s Way. The book is a compilation of “Prayers and Declarations for a Heartful Life”. This morning, I turned to a page about the heart being a true guide.

“For several centuries now, we have overemphasized the intellect. It is fine in its place.

It is not, however, the most authentic way of knowing.

The most authentic way comes from the heart.”
– Sonia Choquette.

This resonated with me, because I find intellect incredibly important. It’s one of the things I admire most about others and treasure most in myself. However, I’ve also seen how it can get in the way at times. One of my pieces of feedback from my I-Group is that I rely too much on my intellect. It is a safe place for me to reside; it means that I can remove myself from feeling. I’m struggling with just being, experiencing, and not analyzing.

Strangely, in the Family Constellation Training, the message came up again. “Do not attempt to understand it. It is not something you can understand.” That idea that I can’t understand something drives me nuts…

And yet, I also want to learn to trust other ways of knowing.

You are where you are because of what you were when…

“i'm gonna stop at every truck stop
make small talk with waiters and truck driving men.
i'm gonna drive under skyline and sunshine,
drink good wine in vineyards, and get asked to dance…”

Instead of staying in, I decided to take a drive to the Sea Shack, where there was wine tasting from the Nehalem Bay Winery. The Sea Shack is in the town of Wheeler, population 350. I was writing in my journal at the bar and one of the locals struck up conversation.

I didn’t get asked to dance (there was actually no dancing there), but every man in the bar tried to buy me a drink. I accepted as many as I could, and sat and talked about psychology, family history, and relationships for hours. Don, the man who greeted me, told me about a sociology class that he took in community college called "You are where you are because of what you were when..."

I thought about the parallels of ideas in The Intimacy Paradox: Personal Authority in the Family System and Extraordinary Relationships: A New Way of Thinking About Human Interactions. And, when another man at the bar started talking about the things he learned from his father and the restraining orders that his ex-wife filed, I tried to stop myself from being judgmental.

Most of the people I met were on their 3rd or 4th marriage and had lived in this little town their whole lives. I loved hearing their stories.

When I was in college, taking advanced classes in fiction and poetry, I used to fantasize about moving to a small town and working at a truck stop or a little greasy spoon and just watching people, listening until their words filled my head with quirky dialogue and fodder for rich characters.

Now, I’m seeing that those people, those characters, are everywhere—not just in little towns. I just have to open my eyes and soak it all in. Really meet people where they are at and listen openly to them.

In a way, staying here at the beach is much like the life I always imagined as a writer. Maybe one day, when I’m old and gray this will be my life. I will be like Dianne Keaton in “Something’s Gotta Give.”

I was planning on heading back today, taking my time. But I'm having such a blast, I might stay longer. Plus, the sun is out for the first time in days...

Chasing seagulls you can never reach...

Thursday June 8th

I stayed in Seaside last night. The weather has not been cooperating, but it’s wonderful all the same. I spent the morning walking around town in the rain. I got to take Koya to the ocean for the first time. Watching him run in the water, running from the waves and chasing seagulls that he could never reach, I don’t think I’ve ever seen him happier.

I decided to head to Cannon Beach, wanting to see a little more of 101, the Pacific Coast Scenic Byway.

I drove by a sign to Arcadia Beach and decided to stop for a little bit, which turned into hours. I climbed up one of the rocky cliffs, and my crazy dog joined me. I swear sometimes he really does think he’s a mountain goat. I met some other dog owners and they recommended a pet-friendly place to stay farther down the coast called the Surfside in Rockaway, Or.

I got a room on the ocean, open on two sides with the most incredible view and then found a little place to get something to eat. I was seriously hungry, not having eaten all day. I had an amazing crab lunch at Sharky's overlooking the water for $13!.

In the evening, I went for an hour long run on the beach, glad even when the rain came.

Koya on the beach

Have you ever seen a better looking dog?

After this trip, maybe I won't have to lift his 95 lb body into the car. He can be so stubborn at times. (Completely different than his mom, I know).

Up all night...

I have to say that I love, love, love having wireless access. It seems a little crazy that on any block almost you can find a Starbucks and check your e-mail. It strikes me as a little sad that today no one (including me) can seem to tolerate being away from a computer for very long.

One of the things I remember about Bali (1999) was that there was this great little Internet café in the middle of a rice field on the outskirts of Ubud. How ironic. I have to admit that it is nice being able to stay in touch no matter where you are—the African desert, New York city, Pt. Townsend, little ocean towns.

I’ve been up most of the night. Can’t sleep. I had some chai to help me stay awake on the last leg of the drive and ended up getting in pretty late. But then maybe it’s because I’m sleeping (or not sleeping as the case may be) at a shabby little Motel 6 in a strage bed.

I think tonight I’m going to camp on the beach. Koya can watch guard.

Hwy 101

Made it to Hwy 101 and to Seaside. The drive was long--and hard for me--especially around Portland. Zia called and said, "Don't you think that's a bit far for your first trip on the freeway?' Yes, I suppose it is. But then again, I guess I’m the type of girl who rips the Band Aid off. Let's just say I prayed a lot (and I don't really pray all that much anymore).

But, I'm here! As an early treat, I got to see the sun setting over the mountains on Hwy 26 going West. The sky seemed to stretch out for miles.

Driving is a bit lonely with Koya all the way in the back. However, tomorrow it will be worth it all when my toes touch the ocean...

it's gonna be so grand...

Going to the Oregon coast for a few days… Just me, Koya, and some books to read. I’ve been wanting to do this for a while. I haven’t yet, because it means driving on the freeway. For hundreds of miles. And, honestly, that’s a big step for me; I haven’t gone more than an exit or two in years.

I can say that it’s still scary. There were times I felt like I was going to have a heart attack. And then there is the fear that I’ll get somewhere and will be paralyzed by fear and not be able to get back. I thought about what someone said to me recently, “Feel the fear and do it anyway”.

Fuck it. I really need this right now. There is a quote by E.E. Cummings that has always been one of my favorites, “The thing, perhaps, is to eat the flowers and not be afraid.”

Went for a run at Seward Park and “Wedding Day” by Rosie Thomas was playing. Synchronicity? Yes, I have it in truckloads these days. I agree with my friend Anh that we see and experience things at the exact time we need to. The lyrics were just what I needed.

Rosie Thomas - Wedding Day

so much for love
guess i've been wrong
but it's all right cuz i'm moving on

i've got my car all packed with cassette tapes
and sweaters and loose change and cheap cigarettes
i'm gonna drive through the hills with my hand out the window
and sing 'til i run out of words

i'm gonna stop at every truck stop
make small talk with waiters
and truck driving men
i'm gonna fall asleep in the back seat
with no one around but me and my friends
it's gonna be so grand
it's gonna be just like my wedding day

i've had enough of love
it feels good to give up
so good to be good to myself

i'm gonna get on the highway with no destination
and plenty of vision in mind
and i'm gonna drive to the ocean
go skinny dipping
blow kisses to venus and mars

i'm gonna stop at every bar
and flirt with the cowboys
in front their girlfriends
it's gonna be so grand
it's gonna be just like my wedding day

so much for love
i guess i've been wrong
but it's all right cuz i'm moving on

i'm gonna drive over hills
over mountains and canyons
and boys that keep bringin me down
i'm gonna drive under skyline and sunshine
drink good wine in vineyards
and get asked to dance

i'm gonna be carefree
and let nothing pass me by
never ever again

it's gonna be so grand
it's gonna be so grand
it's gonna be just like my wedding day

I’ve got a few more hours to get to the coast. I have no idea where I’m going to stay, or really even where I’m going. I was thinking of Florence, where I used to go as a little girl—memories of mom, Nick, and me playing in the sand dunes. It makes it seem like more of an adventure, not having a plan. Not even having a map.

I know some of you may be worried about me. Don’t be. Things like this make me come alive. “The World at Large” is playing in my head. The sun is shining. It’s a beautiful day. And Koya is getting restless.

I’ll keep you posted when I get to the ocean…

Dorothy Lake

Here are a couple of pictures from our hike.

Snow in the month of June...

After three days of long and incredibly interesting classes (more on that later), I was super excited to have the chance to go on another great hike. I want to explore as many trails as possible this summer and intend on making a trip at least every couple of weeks. Because I was so busy with class, I let Blaise pick a good day hike for us to go on.

This time, we headed out to Dorothy Lake, which is part of the Alpine Lakes Wilderness area in the Mt. Baker-Snoqualmie National Forest. The hike is not supposed to be open until late June due to snow and washouts. But it turned out to be fine. Unfortunately, on the way, there was a terrible accident on Hwy 522 involving a semi, another truck, and what looked like 6-7 other vehicles. I think the accident must have happened less than ten minutes before we got to the scene. I am so thankful that we are both o.k. I think it’s a miracle, and feel that there is a lot more left for me to do in this life. A lot more for both of us to do...

We decided to turn around and circle back to Highway 2. It took us about an hour out of the way. I didn't mind though, because it was a beautiful drive. The trail book warned that the last 2 miles before the Dorothy Lake trailhead might be washed out this time of year. Sure enough, when we were almost there, a small river crossed the road. Blaise didn't think we should go any farther. I went out into the middle of the river, in the freezing water, to see how strong the current was. Although I was a bit worried about the depth of the water, I thought we'd be fine. Thank god for all-wheel drive and for Swedish-engineered safety! Watching Blaise drive across the river, it felt like watching a Volvo commercial. Have I mentioned how much I love my car?

It took us about 2.5 hours to hike to the end of Dorothy Lake. We almost turned around 7 or 8 times on the way, as we had to cross patches of very deep (but still melting) snow that could have given way at anytime, countless streams, and rocky cliffs. This hike was much more difficult for me, as the trail seemed more like a giant staircase than a real hiking trail and it put a lot of pressure on my knee. I iced it with snow along the way, and was lucky to have a brace that helped with the pain when hiking (climbing) back down.

We got back a little after eight, which was perfect, because it was just about dark.

All in all, it was a great day. The best part? For me, it was running in the snow--even though I could have fallen in. Maybe Zia is right; maybe I do like to flirt with danger. I would have climbed down the rocks to get to an oasis in the river, but I didn't want to push my luck. And, I might have been walking back to Seattle by myself if I did...

I can't wait to go again!

Hike to Carbon Glacier

Two weeks in a row, the weather was supposed to be rainy and cold on the days that I decided to go hiking. And, I’ve had great luck that has not been the case. Last week I did a short 7-mile hike to Carbon Glacier through temperate rain forest and sub-alpine meadowed areas, reaching the bottom tip of the glacier at around 3,600 feet.

Somehow I didn't imagine that it would be so beautiful.

The hike to Carbon Glacier is about an hour and a half outside of Seattle in Mt. Rainier National Park.

I bought an annual pass, so that I can explore more when the weather gets a bit warmer. As soon as the snow melts and the higher-elevated parts of the park are open, I plan on visiting Paradise.

Clear Cut

I saw another wonderful movie at SIFF called Clear Cut: The Story of Philomath, Oregon. So far this year my luck has been much better than last, when all the movies were sold out and the one I got to see left me with nightmares for days.

After the film ended, director Peter Richardson was there to answer questions. Talented, talented man. He's one to look out for in the future. The film is full of irony and looks at both sides of logging in the Pacific Northwest. It is one of the best documentaries that I've seen in years.

More please?

Wow. And I thought LIOS was about as intense as you could get. I should learn that whatever bar I set, somehow the universe will surprise me. My first full day of Family Constellation Training was amazing. I did a tremendous amount of work, but much of it involved other people's family constellations, which are considered confidential, much like a therapy session.

I'm so glad that I chose to go through with the training. Funny enough, there was this random man there who stopped me at Green Lake a few months ago to talk about spirituality. At the time, I thought he was very interesting, albeit maybe a little removed from reality. When I saw him today, I had to laugh. No one from my class showed up for the training. However, there were several LIOS grads present. And then after dinner Patti showed up. It was wonderful to see such a friendly face.

More on the training when I have a little more energy.

A meeting with Amma

This morning, I'm going to see Amma, a spiritual healer and teacher who happens to be from my favorite place in India--Kerala. When I was there, I stayed at a rural development center called Mitranikaten.

"This place is well known abroad as a non-profit organization that has pioneered people-centered holistic rural development for improving the quality of life and living of village communities. To evolve an attractive development paradigm with a focus on sustainable rural development is the vision of this institution. A variety of vocations for rural employment are promoted at Mitraniketan with efficiency additions through appropriate science and technology inputs. It also strives to promote and enhance rural human resource development capabilities that can foster a participative culture and work ethics. It seeks to blend tradition with modernity and indigenous knowledge system with other knowledge systems. "

I remember walking into the little village, which actually consisted of a chai stand and a gathering of more than five people. On the way, I walked through lush rice fields and remember watching the baby goats play with one another. I felt then that Kerala was sort of a magical place and was amazed by the beauty.