barn's burnt down

I finished my work project (I wish I had more like that, short, easy, and something that I can fit in between other things). Today is the last day before my internship begins. I am scared, but also have a very good feeling about what’s to come.

As I sit here, I can see a card I bought soon after I quit my job. I’ve always liked what it says:

"barn’s burnt down…now i can see the moon." ~Masahide

So many things that I’ve known are coming to an end. At the same time, I realize that this opens space for endless possibilities.

Scorpio Rising

I'm doing another (very small) project for Microsoft. What’s funny is that a friend of mine worked on the same project. The more I’m in this field, the more I think that the marketing/writing/editing community in Seattle is rather incestuous. All my friends and I work for the same companies, often on projects that overlap. And all of the agencies or companies work for the same groups at Microsoft. It’s laughable.

But, enough for tonight. I’m taking a break and going for drinks with Zia, as I have not seen her in ages!

She just had her birthday, too, which makes her the fifth one this month. It seems that I adore Scorpios.

From a friend

"Life is either a daring adventure or nothing at all. "

~Helen Keller

Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow

I got all the paperwork from Valley Counseling today. It still doesn’t seem quite real to me yet.

When I got back, B. and I took Koya to the park to play.
In the evening, there was even more snow! I heard on the news that people were abandoning their cars on I-5 and 405, because traffic was at a complete standstill.
We played for a little bit in the snow, but quickly decided to come in from the cold. Still, I hope there's more tomorrow.

What weather

Yesterday, we decided to get the rest of the moving out of the way. First, we picked up the truck and got our new couch and dropped it off at home. We succeeded in moving the sofa bed from the living room to the back room with only slight damage to the house (broken glass in the China cabinet, a few new scratches on the floor, and a couple of spots of chipped paint). When we were done, we went to move all of B.'s remaining furniture from his apartment.

I don’t think he’s ever believed me when I’ve spoken about snow in Seattle. Needless to say, in the middle of moving, it started snowing so hard it was almost like hail. We got some hot chocolate from a little mini mart across the street and were off—with two thirds of the work done. When we got home, we took a short break and then unloaded all of the heavy stuff while it was still snowing outside. In the end, I hurt my back a little, but it felt so good to have it done.

Later, after dropping off the truck and picking up my car, we went to Lottie’s Lounge (our favorite bar in Columbia City) to celebrate. They had live old-time music that sounded like it was from the Appalachian Mountains. The duet that performed, Squirell Butter, did a lot of music from the 1920s. The woman, Charmaine "Lady Li-Lei" Slaven, made it even more enjoyable with some great tap dancing.

I was happy to have my favorite drink, listen to the music, watch the snow falling outside, and relax for a while. (You can see a little of the snow if you look closely). It's magical when it snows in Seattle.

What is mine

"What is really yours? The blessings you bring to yourself, through your spoken or silent word; the things you see with your inner eye." ~Florence Scovel Shinn

Today I have a lot to be thankful for

Today has been a long day, yet one to cherish.

I am thankful for so many people in my life.
Even for those that challenge me, I feel thankful for the role they play in my own growth and development.

Today was the first time I’ve really done the Thanksgiving meal “on my own”. In previous years, I’ve let my brother do much of the work and stuck to my one traditional job—making the cranberry sauce. I am mentally and physically tired but am also filled with a sense of peace. It felt good to put the time and love into what I made and it was a privilege to share with those I care about.

In some ways, I felt like today I carried on something from my mom. Although nothing could come close to what she used to make, it felt so good to be able to give in thanks to my family and to the man I love.

Tonight, exhausted, I am also filled with gratitude.

Warmth

"The present moment is filled with joy and hapiness. If you are attentive, you will see it." ~Tnich Nhat Hanh

While B. was packing up the rest of his stuff in his apartment, I finally had time to do a space clearing ceremony. It felt like a lot of work, but I really wanted to make a fresh start and clear the energy left in the room. I cleared the entire house shortly after I moved in, and today three small rooms (the office, bedroom, and the downstairs bathroom) seemed to take just as much energy.

It was well worth it. When B. came home, he said that it felt much warmer and cozier. I was glad that he could feel the difference, not just think that it looked cleaner. After a couple of years of not going in that part of the house at all, it’s nice to spend time in there--and will be better when we get a second couch and put the one I have now (which is a sofa bed) in the back room.

Strangely enough, I found a copy of Clearing Your Clutter with Feng Shui under my seat today. There are several books that have had a huge impact on my life and that little book is one of them. Now, I also understand why I keep getting cards related to space clearing and energy work. :)

A dog's best friend

Today I went to Franklin Covey to get an organizer so I can stay sane next year. By the time I left, I spent $150—half the price of a Palm Pilot, but I have something I’m very happy with.

Later, B. and I went to Ikea to get more bookshelves. We spent the late afternoon putting the bookshelves together, this time for him. I don’t know why, but it was really fun. It’s not that I enjoy putting shelves together all that much. I think that it’s different from having his clothes here—or even all of our camping gear. As I began putting the books away, for the first time it felt real. This is his home now, too.

I haven’t written much about B. moving in and it’s curious to me why. It is such an important step in my life and in our relationship.

When he first told me—by saying that his National Geographic subscription was up and that he should have it delivered here—I think I actually jumped up and down. I’m so excited. Truth be told, there’s also a small part of me that’s just a little scared. He’s not scared at all, which confounds me.

And Koya, well, I don’t think he could be happier. But I think I can no longer rightly call him my dog. He’s got another, different love…His unwavering dedication is even more obnoxious than when Nick lived here.

Koya's had an effect on B., too. He used to dislike dogs altogether, but turned to me the other day and asked me how I felt about getting a second dog. "Who are you? And what have you done with my boyfriend", I thought, feeling like I'd missed an episode of The Invasion of the Body Snatchers. :)

When I think about it, Koya would be a hard dog not to fall in love with.

Change, rippling outward

I finished the last mini module this afternoon and am now moving on to a new chapter in my life. Our curriculum on assessment and diagnosis (DSM IV) was lacking compared to the quality of instruction I’m used to at LIOS. In a large part, I was disappointed as I thought this weekend would give me much needed information on differential diagnosis before I begin my internship.

I don’t think it’s fully sunk in that this year is over or that very very soon I will be sitting with clients. Most students are starting their internships in January and I think it’s rather ironic that as much as I’d like additional guidance, I’m the first one thrown in. Lately, some of my close friends have been teasing me, because in all other areas of my life (areas that don’t require me to trust myself in the same way), I feel very comfortable; I can jump in and start swimming.

I’ve got a few days before Thanksgiving to relax and prepare myself mentally for what’s just around the corner. After that, I’ve got a last-minute work project. Then, a couple of days later, I will begin going into the office. There is some comfort in the fact that I will get to observe several sessions before sitting with clients on my own.

Today at lunch, a few friends and I were reflecting on the incredible changes the members of our class have gone through. There have been divorces and separations, people questioning their relationships--and their own sexuality--family deaths, pregnancies, job changes, the list goes on. Our relationships with both our immediate families and our families of origin have changed as well. Many people with children say that they can see reflections of what they've learnt changing interactions with their children. It’s almost unfathomable to see how the changes in ourselves have affected so many surrounding lives. I suppose I’m seeing how systems really work. Even a small change ripples outward...

I know that I’m a very different person than when I started the program. I may be a bit more cynical, but I know so much more about myself. Some of the changes I’ve undergone personally have not been easy, but I would not change them for anything. This program is one of the more challenging and transformative experiences of my life, and I’m so very grateful for what it has given me.

New York

I still want to try to find some time to write about the marathon. For me, it felt good to be there to help B. after the race. Last year, when he ran the Seattle Marathon, I was there to cheer him on and later brought over lots of lotion and heating pads and gave him as close to a professional massage as I could. I have very fond memories of spending the evening with him and just being with him while he recovered.

In NY, it was a bit harder, because it hurt him so much to walk. The next day, he had horrible blisters all over his feet and it looked incredibly painful. Because of his injury, he was not able to train very much before the race. Yet, he did great. I’m so very proud of him.

Until I have more time to write, here are a few pictures from marathon day and from our time in NY. I got to see where B. used to live (ironically, about a block from where my father used to live on the same street) and see many of the places that he hung out while living there.

Literati

Lately, B. and I have a new pastime—playing Scrabble. Usually, I would be thrilled beyond belief that I could even get anyone to play Scrabble with me. (I can’t get enough of the game and find that others don’t get as hot and bothered over word games as I do).
There are a couple of minor flaws with our games, however. First, B. doesn’t like to play with actual pieces. He likes to play online (I think, because this lets him cheat more easily) and I miss playing on a Scrabble board. That leads me to the second problem. He cheats with words like fastings, and because the Yahoo online Scrabble dictionary allows such travesties, he gets away with murder.

Seriously though, we have so much fun playing that it doesn’t matter who wins. I just enjoy spending time with him.

Yeaaaahhhhh!!!!

We all passed with flying colors!!! It's official. We are moving into the second year...and our internships (or master's thesis projects for CCOs).

Test day...

Tomorrow is the test. I feel as ready as I can be. I’ve decided to call it a day and put away my books. At this point, I either know it or I don’t. And I feel pretty good about the material.

I know that all four of us in our quad will do fine.

We had a nice meeting today at Soul Food Books, which I love. It was a good way to relax a bit before the exam. It took me more than 2 hours to get home, because traffic on 5-20 was crazy.

You'd think that Seattlites would be used to the rain...

A world turned upside down

When you come to the edge of all the light you know, and are about to step off into the darkness of the unknown, faith is knowing one of two things will happen: There will be something solid to stand on, or you will be taught how to fly.

~Barbara J. Winter

What matters

A dear friend sent me this quote, as I've really been struggling the last few days.

We don’t have to learn to communicate.
We are communicating something all the time.
The question is how to communicate what really matters.

Thank you!

My Nazi fascist super ego

I turned in my case study at 7 this evening. When I started working on it, I thought it would only take a few hours…more than eight hours later, I was still trying to make changes.

During the discussion of our beginning counseling theory papers, which rocked by the way, my professor spoke about how our group had very high standards and that she has not had a group of papers in many years in which none required rewriting. I have tremendous respect for the people in my Pro-Sem group, so was not surprised when Alex noticed the dedication and commitment the members seem to share.

After discussing my paper, however, the topic of perfectionism came up. I admit that I demand a great deal of myself and tend to beat myself up when I fall short of those expectations. Alex brought this the forefront of my mind when she said in the nicest way possible that I had a, “Nazi fascist super ego that I needed to tell to fuck off” and that she could almost see this character hitting me over the head with a hammer.

What she said may seem harsh, but honestly it just made me laugh, because I know it’s at least partially true. A close friend of mine who is a freelancer even called me a Nazi editor once. I mention this, because even after slaving all day on the case study, I fear that it’s not good enough. The reality, as history has shown me, is that the case study is probably fine. More than fine. Then where does this delusional thought that it's not good enough come from?

And how do I get rid of the woman yielding a hammer over my head?

Ritual

Today is case study day, so I will be writing and editing much of the day. First, however, I’m going to take Koya for a run. It’s raining outside and my throat is very sore from whatever bug I got and I have a lot of work to do, but I want to try to run even when there are many excuses not to.

I realize that I need to in order to be happy and healthy.

At home, finally...

We got back from NY late last night after a marathon of traveling. I was so happy just to be on the ground and even happier to be home. Don’t get me wrong, I had a fabulous time in NY and have lots to write about: the marathon, things I noticed about the city, the people I met while there. It’s funny, so many people asked me if I was running the marathon. I suppose some people might be flattered by that—which I think is absolutely ridiculous. But when people assumed I was running and then I explained that I wasn’t, it wasn’t flattering at all; it was embarrassing.

However, seeing the display of tremendous courage that participants exhibited--especially those who raced in wheelchairs, some one handed--I feel inspired to do more myself. I’m far from signing up for a marathon, because I think it’s a rather expensive measure of self torture, but I am thinking about training for a half marathon.

That, I think, would actually be fun.

Watching B. cross the finish line: priceless

Going to NY at 4:00 in the morning...It's been a very, very difficult day for me trying to get everything done--Complete and send in Registered Counselor application: check. Drive to my dad's and drop Koya off: check. Cancel DSL service for new broadband: check. Refill and pick up prescriptions: check. Go to B of A and deposit and transfer money: check. Order turkey: check. Order new digital phone service: check. Arrange taxi for first thing in the morning: check. Print boarding passes: check. Deal with the fall out from Royce moving out: check. Well, actually, that's still in works. I need to contact another lawyer and need to have the locks changed as soon as possible.

I had a slight panic attack earlier this afternoon, because I didn't and couldn't get everything done in time. I'm trying to have some compassion for myself and trust that it will all work out in the end.

I just hope that B. is o.k. His Achilles tendon is injured pretty badly and even walking/biking for any distance aggravates it. I’m sure that he’ll be able to finish the marathon, I just hope that he doesn't overdo it and further injure himself.

Aside from the day of the marathon, we will have a couple of days to see New York, which should be a lot of fun. I can't wait.