it's gonna be so grand...

Going to the Oregon coast for a few days… Just me, Koya, and some books to read. I’ve been wanting to do this for a while. I haven’t yet, because it means driving on the freeway. For hundreds of miles. And, honestly, that’s a big step for me; I haven’t gone more than an exit or two in years.

I can say that it’s still scary. There were times I felt like I was going to have a heart attack. And then there is the fear that I’ll get somewhere and will be paralyzed by fear and not be able to get back. I thought about what someone said to me recently, “Feel the fear and do it anyway”.

Fuck it. I really need this right now. There is a quote by E.E. Cummings that has always been one of my favorites, “The thing, perhaps, is to eat the flowers and not be afraid.”

Went for a run at Seward Park and “Wedding Day” by Rosie Thomas was playing. Synchronicity? Yes, I have it in truckloads these days. I agree with my friend Anh that we see and experience things at the exact time we need to. The lyrics were just what I needed.

Rosie Thomas - Wedding Day

so much for love
guess i've been wrong
but it's all right cuz i'm moving on

i've got my car all packed with cassette tapes
and sweaters and loose change and cheap cigarettes
i'm gonna drive through the hills with my hand out the window
and sing 'til i run out of words

i'm gonna stop at every truck stop
make small talk with waiters
and truck driving men
i'm gonna fall asleep in the back seat
with no one around but me and my friends
it's gonna be so grand
it's gonna be just like my wedding day

i've had enough of love
it feels good to give up
so good to be good to myself

i'm gonna get on the highway with no destination
and plenty of vision in mind
and i'm gonna drive to the ocean
go skinny dipping
blow kisses to venus and mars

i'm gonna stop at every bar
and flirt with the cowboys
in front their girlfriends
it's gonna be so grand
it's gonna be just like my wedding day

so much for love
i guess i've been wrong
but it's all right cuz i'm moving on

i'm gonna drive over hills
over mountains and canyons
and boys that keep bringin me down
i'm gonna drive under skyline and sunshine
drink good wine in vineyards
and get asked to dance

i'm gonna be carefree
and let nothing pass me by
never ever again

it's gonna be so grand
it's gonna be so grand
it's gonna be just like my wedding day

I’ve got a few more hours to get to the coast. I have no idea where I’m going to stay, or really even where I’m going. I was thinking of Florence, where I used to go as a little girl—memories of mom, Nick, and me playing in the sand dunes. It makes it seem like more of an adventure, not having a plan. Not even having a map.

I know some of you may be worried about me. Don’t be. Things like this make me come alive. “The World at Large” is playing in my head. The sun is shining. It’s a beautiful day. And Koya is getting restless.

I’ll keep you posted when I get to the ocean…