"You have always been a storming ocean, and never a calm blue sea…”

I was looking out at the ocean, thinking that I felt more at home there than anywhere else. I always have. It’s powerful. Awesome. Beautiful. I was wondering why I felt so comfortable. It’s as if part of my soul is fragmented and only comes alive when I’m at the ocean. I’m a Cancer and we love the water? No. It’s almost a full moon? No.

I remember what someone dear to me who I dated for a very long time said to me once, “You have always been a storming ocean, and never a calm blue sea…”

I wonder what it would be like sometimes—to be like a calm blue sea. Soothing. Peaceful. Not turbulent, wild, unpredictable. That peacefulness, the stillness, is something I long for and yet I wonder if I would be more content living a life that was more constant, not prone to such fluctuation. Such great highs and incredible lows.

On the drive home, I listened to Wherever You Go, There You Are by Jon Kabat-Zinn, where he talked about mindfulness meditation. He says that many of us try constantly to “push the river.” But you can’t push a river.

Exactly!

He mentioned qualities that can help with a path of mindfulness meditation. Patience. Concentration. Generosity (of self). There was a long list. I think I struggle with many of them. I don’t know how to stand in the middle, to not be swayed by extremes of joy and sadness.

Recently, I was reading about my numerological profile to a friend of mine. It said that people with the number 9 as their life path number swing between depression and ecstasy. “You don’t do that. Swing between depression and ecstasy. "

I laughed. “Sadly, yes, I do. Very much so.”

Maybe the calmness comes with practice. Jon Kabat-Zinn mentioned that you can’t aim to obtain a more peaceful state with meditation, but really the purpose is to be fully aware of all moments and emotions exactly as they are. In joy. In anger. In sadness.

In being a storming ocean, and never a calm blue sea.