Patience

It's exciting to be done. There were a number of tears yesterday, but I feel so good about the future. I got the draft of my lease today, but then I couldn't open it. Patience!!! I emailed the administrative assistant back and asked her to resend it.

I went out with Nick and B. last night. We had a lot of fun. I'm very thankful that they get along well. They work together well and are slowly becoming friends of sort.

It's a good day today.

Chapter 1

Today is my last "official" day at my internship, though I will come in tomorrow to say goodbye to everyone. I am ready to move on--and I am so very thankful for all that I have learned here.

Many things happened in such a serendipitous way today. I am feeling like everything is on track. I think part of it was just me needing to let go of the old in order to embrace what's new.

Writing summaries for all the clients I saw during the past year was good for me. It let me reflect on the progress so many of them have made. It is all about the work and effort they have put in--not mine. However it still makes me happy that I was a part of the process. It is wonderful to see people grow, play a small part in helping them realize their goals, and just to watch them...blossom.

I'm feeling less scared about stepping out into the world and more excited about what's to come.

At this very moment, the lease is being drafted for my new office space.:)

~The End~

Life is

"Life is a process of becoming..." ~Anais Nin

I rejoice in life. I trust in the process.

My ankle is taking longer than I anticipated to heal. (Ironically, the doctors said it would take a substantial amount of time, but I guess sometimes I'm a bit stubborn and thought it would heal sooner).

So many things are coming to an end, some in dramatic ways. This week is the last week of my internship. I also found out that LIOS is not moving forward with full integration with Bastyr, which is a little startling.

I've been frustrated that my injury came at this time. I looked up ankles and sprains in You Can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay. It says that leg and feet problems, "indicate a fear of moving forward or a reluctance to move forward in a certain direction." Our feet also have to do with our understanding, "our understanding of ourselves and life--past present, and future."

At this stage, where I am on the brink of transitioning into a whole new life, this makes sense. It also makes sense that it forces me to slowdown when in all honesty, otherwise I probably wouldn't.

These are the two affirmations that Louise Hay recommends:

I rejoice in life. I accept all the pleasure life has to offer.

I trust the process of life to take me only to my highest good. I am at peace.

When I read the second one, I burst out laughing. It is so perfect for what I've been struggling with lately.

I could sit and write all afternoon. But today, I need to calculate my hours for my last six months at my internship and write summaries for each and every client I've seen this past year. It will be a late night, but I guess I miss that just a little.

I put an application in for Madison Center West. I have a wonderful feeling about having an office there. I can't wait to start picking out furniture and decorating.

My wish list...

I've been dreaming of having a Le Creuset pan--a large one to make stews and roasts and other scrumptious meals in. They are amazing, but very expensive. I read on another blog that an aspiring cook coveted them so, she inspired the company to send her a complete set. How lucky is that? The color? French Blue, Sapphire, or Sonoma Blue. There are so many things I can imagine cooking. I get all excited just thinking about it.

Le Creuset has been the mainstay of French chefs as long as anyone can remember. Since 1925, the skilled craftsmen at Le Creuset have perfected enameled cast iron cookware. Each shape is one of a kind, made from molten steel and cast in a unique mold, and then expertly enameled. No other procedure yields cookware that so evenly distributes heat, browns and caramelizes food to perfection, and creates a masterpiece at the table.

The benefits to this cookware's construction are many:

• Cast iron distributes heat evenly and requires cooking with only low to medium temperatures


• Cookware is for use with gas, electric, induction, or ceramic ranges


• Flat cookware bottoms sit firmly on heat surface


• Thin shell casings are light but strong


• Porcelain enamel coating is easy to clean and won't absorb odors or flavors


• Lids seal in moisture and flavor


• Knobs are heatproof up to 450 degrees F

Small Thanks

I'm getting restless, having been cooped up for the last few days. I had to cancel all my appointments today, as I'm still unable to be on my feet for more than a few minutes. Last night was a very difficult night. I was thinking the pain would get better, not worse.

Yet, even though I am having a difficult time, I'm aware of all there is to be thankful for. This is just a temporary situation for me. All in all, I'm lucky to have my health and be surrounded by people I love and who love me.

On Monday morning, there was a knock on the door. To my surprise, when I looked outside there was a beautiful bouquet of flowers. They were from my big brother and are a constant reminder that I'm not alone.

I'm looking forward to spending tomorrow with my father, brother, and B. I'm so grateful that they are comfortable around each other. B. told me how much he's looking forward to spending the day together, which made me really happy.

Now, about that cranberry sauce...

My horoscope for today

Your feelings may be too erratic today to easily share with others, possibly leaving you in an agitated frame of mind. But don't let yourself become trapped by your own fears. Getting outside for a walk in the city or in nature, if possible, can be just the catalyst you need to help you move through your current emotional stew.
By Rick Levine

This is perfect for how I am feeling. The only drawback--that I'm not able to go out for a walk in nature.

Receiving, Thanksgiving

I went to a family constellation yesterday that was led by all of the students who are graduating from the intensive facilitator training. Sadly, I did not get to work on what I had wanted to personally. But it was good to see Mark and to have my energy used in the service of others. Someone gave me a huge compliment, too. One of the participants asked if I was a facilitator along with Mark. The woman said I was very good at it and seemed comfortable. I know I have a gift for this work, but it just felt so good to hear from a stranger she could see that in me. At the beginning, we each said two words--one for how we were feeling and then a word for what we would like to leave with. My words were overwhelmed and receiving. Later, in retrospect, I realized that my second word wasn't quite right. I think I wanted to feel belief. Belief that everything will be o.k. Belief in myself and my ability as a therapist--especially with going out and setting up my own practice. I did leave feeling far less overwhelmed (you can't really do that kind of work and stay entangled in your own crap for very long) and with stronger belief in the abundance of the universe, stronger belief in my abilities.

Something happened this morning that really changed things for me, or at least how I might look at my two words. I was going downstairs to let Luna out and I slipped, fell down the stairs, missed a few steps, and then I heard the loudest noise as I fell to the ground.

I have not felt that much pain in a long time. I had tears streaming down my face when B. came to see what had happened. I thought that for sure I had broken my ankle. After I calmed down enough to get dressed, we went to the E.R. at Swedish. The good news is that my ankle is not broken, but it is sprained very badly.

In the hospital, a picture flashed in front of me. Graduation. Me walking across the stage on crutches. (I hope it heals sooner, but the doctor said it would be a min. of 6-10 weeks.) So, I will be completely dependent on B. for a while. This was not exactly what I meant by receiving. I was thinking more along the lines of openness--and belief that the universe will keep me safe and provide for me, even though I have been sort of paralyzed with worry lately.

B. has been wonderful, getting my medication, staying by me for hours while we were in the hospital, helping me get around.

I realized that there is no way I can cook on Thanksgiving. I called my brother and he made me laugh. "I suppose you want me to come and cook a big turkey dinner for you?" He knows me too well. We found another solution--ordering a Thanksgiving meal from the store and just making our family's traditional cornbread stuffing and cranberry sauce. Making the cranberry sauce has been my job for as long as I remember--and I've got no intention of breaking that tradition.

So-although it may be by force-I will be slowing down in the weeks to come. There's not much else I can do.

Just sit. Be patient.Take time accept where I am. Listen.

Oh--and be thankful.

Trust, now? Really?

So, I finally got myself to see how selling the house was a good decision for me at this time in my life, which was really, really hard--and emotionally draining. And tonight I got a message that the couple (who had already written an offer--and come to look at the house countless times--even wanting to move forward with an inspection last weekend) decided that they wanted to wait until spring and were just not ready to move. Actually, one of them was set on the house and on moving. The other one just went through losing a personal friend to Cancer and seemed to want some stability in her life--to stay where she's at--and I can understand that.

It just seems like the universe is messing with me a bit.

I feel like I'm back in a phase of my life--where my life lessons come in a major way. I don't know if the stakes have to be severe in order for me to pay attention? To really commit to a new way of being? The whole thing with trust is something I have been working on for quite some time. Trust in myself. Trust in the universe. Now, the stakes are higher than ever. The funny thing is that I thought I had moved past this--where life lessons could be learned and didn't have to be gut-wrenchingly difficult.

When I first started upon this journey to become a counselor years ago after a series of serious accidents, I remember it was much more difficult to really believe that all things happen for a reason. I remember a time when I could not leave my apartment, could not walk down the stairs, and really did not know how I would support myself. At that time, believing that we attract circumstances and people into our lives for our own learning seemed hard to fathom.

I feel like I am being asked to trust with absolutely no net of safety. I don't know how I'm going to make upcoming mortgage payments. And yet I need to invest in my future. I need to sign a lease for my office. I need to move forward--and move forward without having the option of going back to a world and a life I no longer believe in. I guess with the couple deciding not to buy the house, I have to believe that I will be o.k., that I will do well. That although I do not have the answers as to how, the universe will somehow take care of me.

I'm committed to trusting.
I'm committed to taking this time to see how my thoughts are affecting the outcome.
I'm committed to following this path, however scary.

The perfect little house...

I saw the most adorable house for rent today. It was just so cute. If the timing is right and the couple who looked at the house makes an offer, I'd rent it in a heartbeat. It's perfect for B. and I--a little smaller than our house, gets so much light, and even has a little island kitchen block, tile, a claw-foot tub, a gas stove (for great home-cooked meals) and a little meditation room. How perfect is that! Plus, it's in Seward Park. :)

Japanese Maples

Yesterday was a wonderful day. After sleeping in, B. and I went to a local Bonsai Nursery to look for trees for the planter boxes outside. We ended up buying a couple of Japanese Maple trees--one yellow and one red "Pixie". We spent the afternoon planting them, which was a lot of work. In the end, it was well worth the effort.

I said to him that I wasn't sure if planting my very favorite trees in the world was such a good idea when we are thinking of selling the house.

But they do look wonderful.

When I first bought the house, I had intended to scatter some of my mom's ashes in the back yard where the Magnolia tree is. But for some reason, that has never happened. When we were almost done planting the maple trees, I thought about how good it felt to be leaving part of myself here. There was so much joy in planting the trees with B. by my side. I decided to scatter a handful of my mom's ashes next to the yellow Japanese Maple.

Even if we do sell this house, it has been very good to me. It makes me happy to think about the tree in 20 years. Beautiful colors. Leaves blowing in the wind. A small piece of me--and of my mom--that will continue to live on.

Opening doors

So, I'm not by any means excited about the prospect of selling the house, but in the last few days, I've been trying to see all the choice I do have and look at things in a new light. I've been thinking about the freedom I feel when thinking about having enough money not to struggle when setting up my own practice. I've been thinking about doing family constellation training and Gottman's (very expensive) certification for couples counseling. I've also been thinking about kung fu and yoga and really being free to follow wherever my heart leads me.

I'm also trying to come to terms with the fact that something better may come. Because I have a hard time believing things I can't see, this is where I get a little stuck. And then I think about how I would be as a counselor with someone in my same situation. The things I'd say! How easy it is for me to do that for my clients. Why is it so much harder to employ solution focused and similar strategies in my own life?

I checked my horoscope this morning just to see what it would say:

Though Wales is at the same latitude as Siberia, it's free of frigid tundra. Still, its climate isn't exactly balmy. Cool, cloudy, damp days are common. That's why Welsh horticulturalists cheered with shocked exultation last summer, when three outdoor banana plants produced fruit at the National Botanical Garden. It was an unprecedented miracle. I predict a comparable development for you, Cancerian. A source that has never been more than lukewarm will get downright tropical. An influence that has been inhospitable to your passion will become fertile and welcoming. As a result, you will bloom in a way you never have before.

Funny, no?

We have not seen the offer yet, but I'm thinking that because the house is not listed yet, they would at least make a full offer, maybe more.

My friend Zia--who says she doesn't really believe in fate--commented that other houses are just sitting and isn't it strange that someone is so interested in buying the house, before we even decide to list it? Maybe it is a sign.

I'm listening...

Creative Visualization

Tonight, I'm taking a break to read a little before I go to a very late therapy appointment.

Months ago, I agreed to do couples counseling with my previous supervisor. The appointment is in Kent, which will be a bit of a drive. I'm hoping that it will be a good learning experience and worth the commute especially as I will be getting out after 9 tonight.

Anyways, back to the book I'm reading. It's called Creative Visualization and is actually a reprinting of a book written more than 25 years ago. So far, it's been very engaging. It's one of the several books I purchased recently to help me through this transition, where I am stepping out into the unknown.

Leap and the net will appear--I hope so!

So now there are two options--the one on Madison and a Holistic Healing Center that is opening in the central district (with Bastyr graduates who have full acupuncture and ND practices). Both spots are appealing. I love the idea of being able to collaborate with others and offer complimentary services.

I'm going back to look at both tomorrow with a couple of colleagues from school. :) This is what I want.

Envisioning the freedom to take time to set up my practice and continue training in the way I want to is a huge positive if B. and I do end up selling the house. I need to change my thinking and believe that if we do sell the house, it is for very good reasons and for me to really embrace my future and my new career, I need to let go of the old.

It's funny, I'm being recruited randomly for writing positions that I'm sure have huge salaries and would enable me to keep the house--but they come with a price.

I want to do work that feeds my soul and is expanding.

Taking on contract writing jobs (even with keeping the house) would pull me in the wrong direction. And, I would only be taking them out of fear.

If I am honest with myself, I question whether or not I would be able to go back, even on a part time basis, when I feel so passionate and so much momentum about counseling.

And if I am doing what I love, then I hope that everything else will fall into place--and I won't regret my choice for a moment.

Better yet--I want to believe, really believe that I could keep the house and build the future I want doing the work that I love. That would make me very happy, I just don't know how it would work...yet.

Office space

I saw an office space I really like today with a beautiful skylight and warm natural light in an area I adore. There are many therapists in the building and each floor has its own waiting room. It's more than I expected or really want to spend. I'm hoping to share it with a couple of people. I hope there is a way in which it can work out. I really believe things happen for a reason. It's on the third floor of the Madison Professional building, close to Cafe Flora and the Essential Baking Co.

I'm not ready!!!!

A couple came back to look at the house today. (No, it's not even listed). I went to look at some office space and when I came back, B. told me that they really like it and are prob. going to make an offer, but will call tomorrow. I am not ready for this!

I'm sad. I don't want to sell this place, especially not yet. I enjoy making the improvements, but they just make me love this home even more. Yesterday Nick and my dad came up and helped B. make planter boxes for the front of the house much like the one pictured here.

I'm trying to have a good attitude and believe that everything happens for a reason. This is my first home, and for other reasons it means a lot to me. I'm just trying to appreciate all that I can and hope that the best will work out.

Today I am thankful

For my wonderful family
That I got to go out to lunch with one of my closest friends in the world
For Luna and Koya
To have a wonderful, beautiful home--for as long as I have it
For B.
For the beautiful leaves outside
For my clients
That I have work I love to do
And much, much more

Refuge

A former classmate sent a poem to me, which she read to all of our class during our last module. It really touched me, so I wanted to share it here.

I am here because there is no refuge,
Finally, from myself.
Until I confront myself in the eyes
And hearts of others, I am running.
Until I suffer them to share my secrets,
I have no safety from them.
Afraid to be known,
I can know neither myself
Nor any others; I will be alone.
Where else but on this common ground,
Can I find such a mirror?
Here, together, I can at last appear
Clearly to myself,
Not as the giant of my dreams,
Not the dwarf of my fears,
But as a person, part of a whole,
With my share in its purpose.
In this ground, I can take root and grow.
Not alone anymore, as in death,
But alive, to my self and to others.

-Richard Beauvais

Leaky faucets

Why is it that after finally nearing the end of school that so many things seem to be falling apart? Maybe it's just in the way I'm looking at things, but I got a huge awakening this morning.

Leaky faucets.
Electrical problems.
And then there's my personal feeling of chaos.

Today, I'm sad.