Receiving, Thanksgiving

I went to a family constellation yesterday that was led by all of the students who are graduating from the intensive facilitator training. Sadly, I did not get to work on what I had wanted to personally. But it was good to see Mark and to have my energy used in the service of others. Someone gave me a huge compliment, too. One of the participants asked if I was a facilitator along with Mark. The woman said I was very good at it and seemed comfortable. I know I have a gift for this work, but it just felt so good to hear from a stranger she could see that in me. At the beginning, we each said two words--one for how we were feeling and then a word for what we would like to leave with. My words were overwhelmed and receiving. Later, in retrospect, I realized that my second word wasn't quite right. I think I wanted to feel belief. Belief that everything will be o.k. Belief in myself and my ability as a therapist--especially with going out and setting up my own practice. I did leave feeling far less overwhelmed (you can't really do that kind of work and stay entangled in your own crap for very long) and with stronger belief in the abundance of the universe, stronger belief in my abilities.

Something happened this morning that really changed things for me, or at least how I might look at my two words. I was going downstairs to let Luna out and I slipped, fell down the stairs, missed a few steps, and then I heard the loudest noise as I fell to the ground.

I have not felt that much pain in a long time. I had tears streaming down my face when B. came to see what had happened. I thought that for sure I had broken my ankle. After I calmed down enough to get dressed, we went to the E.R. at Swedish. The good news is that my ankle is not broken, but it is sprained very badly.

In the hospital, a picture flashed in front of me. Graduation. Me walking across the stage on crutches. (I hope it heals sooner, but the doctor said it would be a min. of 6-10 weeks.) So, I will be completely dependent on B. for a while. This was not exactly what I meant by receiving. I was thinking more along the lines of openness--and belief that the universe will keep me safe and provide for me, even though I have been sort of paralyzed with worry lately.

B. has been wonderful, getting my medication, staying by me for hours while we were in the hospital, helping me get around.

I realized that there is no way I can cook on Thanksgiving. I called my brother and he made me laugh. "I suppose you want me to come and cook a big turkey dinner for you?" He knows me too well. We found another solution--ordering a Thanksgiving meal from the store and just making our family's traditional cornbread stuffing and cranberry sauce. Making the cranberry sauce has been my job for as long as I remember--and I've got no intention of breaking that tradition.

So-although it may be by force-I will be slowing down in the weeks to come. There's not much else I can do.

Just sit. Be patient.Take time accept where I am. Listen.

Oh--and be thankful.