A companion for Koya

B. and I spent all day looking for a second dog. We went to three different shelters and, sadly, both of the dogs we liked got adopted while we were there, one of which we saw yesterday. Her name was Emma and she was a very sweet, small black Shepard mix. She had a lot of health problems though and I wanted to wait and think about it, as Koya has been a handful with his allergies.

When we went back today to visit Emma, she smothered me with kisses—and I felt sad that I had waited too long. Hopefully we will find the right dog soon.

An Old Irish Blessing

This has always been one of my favorites (and was my mom's as well).

May the road rise up to meet you.
May the wind always be at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face,and rains fall soft upon your fields.
And until we meet again,
May God hold you in the palm of His hand.

A walk in the park

I went for a glorious walk yesterday in Edwin Warner Park just as the sun was setting. It's very different from Seattle, but it's also quite beautiful here in Tennessee.

Go away flu!

I’m in Nashville and enjoying being with B and his family. And, I’m sick as a dog. This is the third day, and I feel much worse today. I’m hoping that I’ll get better before tonight.

At least (at the moment) I can breathe…

We are planning on getting away just the two of us for a few hours today and I'm looking forward to it. It's strange, I have been with him non stop since we arrived, but I really miss him.

BTW, it's supposed to be 55 and sunny today. :)

Meeting the shadow

This thing of darkness I acknowledge mine. ~William Shakespeare

I just started reading Meeting the Shadow: The Hidden Power of the Dark Side of Human Nature. So far it's incredibly interesting. It reminds me of my I-Group leader last year who was fascinated by light and shadow, fascinated by the polarities that we must manage and embrace in our lives and relationships. I think it will be a very good book for me to read.

“Everything with substance casts a shadow. The ego stands to shadow as light to shade. This is the quality that makes us human. Much as we would like to deny it, we are imperfect. And perhaps it is in what we don’t accept about ourselves—our aggression and shame, or guilt and pain—that we discover our humanity.

The shadow goes by many familiar names: the disowned self, the lower self, the dark twin or double in bible and myth, the double, repressed self, alter ego, id. When we come face to face with our darker side, we use metaphors to describe these shadow encounters: meeting our demons, wrestling with the devil, descent to the underworld, the dark night of the soul, midlife crisis.

We all have a shadow. Or, does our shadow have us? “

In the introduction, there is also a passage that speaks to projective identification, something that I find intriguing. “We see the shadow mostly indirectly, in the distasteful trails and actions of other people, out there where it is safer to observe it. When we react intensely to a quality in an individual or group—such as laziness or stupidity, sensuality, or spirituality—and our reaction overtakes us with great loathing or admiration, this may be our shadow showing. We project by attributing this quality to the other person in an unconscious effort to banish it from ourselves, to keep ourselves from seeing it within.

Jungian analyst Marie-Louise von Franz suggests that projection is like shooting a magic arrow. If the receiver has a soft spot to receive the projection, it sticks. …From then on the sender and the receiver are linked in a mysterious alliance, like falling in love, discovering a perfect hero, or a perfect villain.”

I have begun to encounter parts of my shadow since entering LIOS, sometimes with great pain and difficulty. I’m also learning a great deal by efforts to explore these hidden parts of myself so that I may bring them to light and decrease their strength. I have had experiences with dear friends in that by acknowledging our shadows, the formerly disavowed parts of ourselves and our unconscious patterns, we have been able to grow and develop deeper layers of trust, understanding, and acceptance of ourselves and others.

I’m looking forward to taking this book with me on “vacation” even though it is not one of the first ones that I need to read for school. I believe that all books really come to us at the right times. And, I look forward to stepping in to meet my own shadow, to learning more about myself. “Meeting the shadow calls for slowing the pace of life. listening to the body’s cues, and allowing ourselves time to be alone in order to digest the cryptic messages from the hidden world.”

Baby boy has a name

I spent several hours with Koa, Steph and Tomo’s new baby boy while Steph took a nap. He has such a sweet, gentle presence. I’m afraid of moving him the wrong way or not supporting his head enough when he wiggles around. He’s just so incredibly fragile.

What’s interesting is that you can just feel love pouring out from him. In my time with him today I got to experience the limbic resonance I’ve been reading about first hand. The poor guy had the hiccups and each time I held my breath, the hiccups slowed or went away for a few seconds. If he's that way with me (a relative stranger), I can only imagine how strong that connection is with his mom.

When I look at him, all I can think of is that he’s utterly dependent on others for his needs to be met. It’s scary and it’s beautiful to see. Maybe in spending time with him, I can learn compassion and acceptance in depending on others myself.

Catepillars and butterflies

"What the caterpillar sees as the end of the world, the master sees as a butterfly."

I saw this quote today and it seemed appropriate given recent circumstances.

What Santa wishes for

After several nights and days without heat or power, ours luckily came back on in the middle of the night. There was a power line downed one block from our house, which I think is why Seward Park went without power longer than other areas.

I couldn’t stand the cold, but besides that I didn’t mind all that much. It felt nice going back to basics. No alarm clocks. No computers. No e-mail. No phone. I would have liked to say that we read by candlelight and enjoyed the time without distractions. But it was just too cold. We did spend some time in the house with candles and oil lamps. We spent more time out watching movies and hanging out in the few places that had electricity (and heat). After not taking a shower for two days, I gave in an took an ice-cold shower before going to my internship yesterday. I was so disappointed when the client called and cancelled the session. :(

On a personal level, the storm made me very appreciative of B. I’m sure it's partially because he helped keep me warm. It's also because I felt like we went back in time. We took a moonlit walk through Seward Park, which we had all to ourselves. It was fun to navigate through all the fallen trees. The one advantage of the storm was that it made the sky incredibly clear. Without the city lights, the stars were out in abundance.

We’re treating ourselves to a nice hot breakfast at Geraldine's. (It seems that half of the people in the city shared this bright idea). This place is usually crowded, but it’s never been quite like this.

It may be a few more days before cable is up and people in surrounding areas will probably be out of power for much longer. For me, going without (little things in comparison to those who have really suffered) has made me so thankful. Taking a hot shower this morning felt like such an incredible luxury.

My thoughts are with all of those who are still struggling without heat or light. May you find warmth soon.

Books

I have more than 10 books to read in the next two weeks, each of which is more than 500 pages. Aggghhhh.

Quiet reflection

“It would be good to find some quiet inlet where the waters were still enough for reflection, where one might sense the joy of the moment, rather than plan breathlessly for a dozen mingled treats in the future.” ~Kathleen Morris

A Christmas Meme

taken from Nom de Plume

1. Egg Nog or Hot Chocolate? Definitely hot chocolate. I try egg nog once a year just to remind myself that I don’t like it. This year, I thought I’d try it with alcohol and it was slightly better, but there is no way it can compete with hot chocolate, which--according to SNL--is entirely responsible for the downfall of Mayan civilization. How could anyone want to fight off intruders when in a chocolate-induced state of ecstasy?
2. Does Santa wrap presents or just set them under the tree? Many presents were wrapped, but usually the big ones from Santa were left unwrapped: bicycles, trains—all the gifts that made us jump up and down.
3. Colored lights on tree/house or white? I like simple Christmas decorations. No flashing lights or neon sleighs. So I’m in favor of white lights; there is something magical about them. Then again, I have a single strand of red chili pepper lights that I adore, though they are hung on the windowsill, not the tree. Everyone needs a little spice in their lives.
4. Do you hang mistletoe? I have not in a while, but now that there is someone I’d like to kiss, I may. In truth, it’s more about the possibility of catching B. and Koya under the mistletoe and Koya giving him a big, wet kiss that by the rules he has to allow.
5. When do you put your decorations up? In my family, the tradition is to put the tree up on Christmas Eve and leave it up for the 12 days of Christmas. I have been breaking tradition the last few years, but decorations that go up before Thanksgiving still make me terribly sad.
6. What is your favorite holiday dish? You know I don’t really have one for Christmas, but love having bowls of nuts and oranges around to snack on, as well as Applets and Cotlets.
7. Favorite Holiday memory as a child? My mom coming in with our stockings on Christmas morning and the joy and anticipation I felt sorting through all the little gifts, waiting for my parents to say we could come out.
8. When and how did you learn the truth about Santa? I honestly can’t remember a time when I believed that Santa was real. Early on, my parents told us stories about St. Nicholas. So, in a way, that was the truth.
9. Do you open a gift on Christmas Eve? Yes. We used to just open one gift. As the years went on, and we got older, my brother and I would wake our parents up earlier and earlier. Finally one year we began opening everything on Christmas Eve.
10. How do you decorate your Christmas Tree? White lights and small ornaments we have collected over the years.
11. Snow! Love it or Dread it? I love it. A few years ago, I learned my father HATES snow. How can anyone hate snow?
12. Can you ice skate? When I was little, I could.
13. Do you remember your favorite gift? One year my parents got me a gigantic stuffed blue elephant. (It was bigger than my brother and I put together). I remember looking all over the house for it, because I wanted it so badly, but I never found it. Sure enough, on Christmas morning it was there in front of the tree. My parents had “hidden” the elephant at a friend’s house.
14. What’s the most important thing about the Holidays for you? Being with the people I love and cherish--oh and laughter, it helps me stay sane when with my family.
15. What is your favorite Holiday Dessert? Something chocolate.
16. What is your favorite holiday tradition? Picking out the first gift to have someone open.
17. What tops your tree? Nothing this year, though in the past we’ve always had some sort of star.
18. Which do you prefer: giving or receiving? Giving.
19. What is your favorite Christmas Song? Winter Wonderland.
20. Candy Canes! Yuck or Yum? Yuck—too sweet for the most part, but I still have one or two a year.

It's a boy!

One of my oldest friends just gave birth to a healthy baby boy. After a very challenging birth, I’m thankful that both mom and baby are doing well. Congratulations Steph and Tomo!

I can't wait to meet the little guy.

Trust

"To work with God-power you must give it right-of-way and still the reasoning mind. The instant you ask, Infinite Intelligence knows the way to fulfillment. Man’s part is to rejoice and give thanks, and act his Faith." ~Florence Scovel Shinn

I opened Blessings this morning and saw this quote. I suppose many who know me would find this funny. I am struggling to learn to trust my intuition--to listen to the many messages I receive that are, to me, not at all logical. I stumble a lot with "quieting the reasoning mind."

I have a very close friend who can tell if I start theorizing about something, that the intellectual curiosity is really none other than deflection from feeling the intensity of the moment. This defense mechanism has served a purpose and, frankly, I’m thankful that it’s a tool I can use. Yet, for me to be an effective therapist, I have to get out of my own way. I need to listen and be quiet and trust—myself.

A little organization

It feels great. For the first time in I don’t know how many years, I sent out Christmas cards. There are a few stragglers left for people I don’t have addresses for and people overseas that I will need to take to the post office, but otherwise I’m done.

The other day, B. was talking about staying longer in Nashville (his mom wants us to stay through New Years) and I had to check my date book. We both burst out in laughter.

It was funny, because in the past, I have not exactly been the most organized person in the world. I’m making an effort now, and just having all my addresses in one place feels really good.

Holiday Songs and Lullabies

My much loved little glass pickle ornament broke, which made me very disappointed. I liked the thing so much, I think I’ll go to Pier 1 and get another one for the tree.

We finished putting the tree up and decorating the house today. In the morning I was going crazy, because I could not find the cast iron Christmas tree stand my brother bought years ago and have yet to find my family’s ornaments. We don’t have many left, but some--like ornaments my parents received on their wedding day, things we have been given as gifts over the years, or the small hand-knit mail box filled with letters to Santa that I wrote as a child (for each of our pets)--have a lot of meaning.

All in all, it was a very good Sunday. I got to see my dad and Nick for an afternoon full of laughter. Later, after putting up the lights, B. and I went to the store to get egg nog to celebrate.

I’m looking forward to a quiet night, writing Christmas cards, and listening to Holiday Songs and Lullabies.

A holiday pickle

I had a lot of fun today. B. and I went to Pike’s Place Market to do some Christmas shopping. After watching a late afternoon movie, we stopped on the way home and got a cute little tree. Although I’ve had Christmas at my house for the last few years, it feels different now.

We are leaving for Nashville the week before Christmas and so thought about not getting a tee. I’m so glad we did. It makes the whole house smell wonderful. The only problem is that I seem to have misplaced all of my family ornaments. I've been buying a few to start my own collection. This year there were a few I couldn't resist: a little dog that looks just like Koya, some cute paper animals, a ceramic picture frame, and finally a glass pickle, which I learned is an old German holiday tradition.

"According to German tradition, the mouth-blown glass pickle ornament is the last one hung, hidden among the others on the tree. The first person to find the ornament receives a special gift and gets to be the first to open a present."

I guess it appealed to me, because pickles are popular in both Germany and Poland.

Play day!

Today was the first time that I had a chance to play in a long time. Plus, it’s been months since I’ve seen Sunniva, because she was out of commission with Pneumonia for a while, after which I went to NY and she went to Mexico, then I had my exam and shortly after that class, and needed to prepare for the start of my internship. It's a little sad to both of us that we actually live less than 5 blocks away and see each other so little these days. Koya almost peed when he saw her; he was so happy, he was literally squealing with joy

Except for getting stuck on 405 (and almost being trapped in the Belle Square parking lot) we had so much fun. We got a little Christmas shopping done and found some really great gifts and then went to the Teapot for dinner, where Sunniva ran into some very old friends (the owners). I was pleased to hear that my favorite little vegan restaurant had been invited to open a new location on the Microsoft campus. Maybe good nutritious vegan food will have immeasurable consequences on the people who work there?

Wow

I’m running out of creative titles. I can see why some people forego them entirely. Today is the second full day of my internship, and I’m loving it. I’ve been able to observe two sessions with other therapists and their clients. In one of the sessions, I saw a lot of similarities between the client and myself. Listening as this woman spoke, I was very thankful that I'm in a program like LIOS based on experiential learning and self-reflection.

I know that I will still get triggered, and hopefully not often, but the realization that our program enables us (or forces us—depending on how you look at it) to do work on ourselves and aspects related to our families of origin, gave me a small bit of confidence that I might just be prepared to move into this next chapter in my life.

The therapist I was sitting with remarked that I picked up a lot in watching her, which felt great. I know, too, that more than receiving such validation from anyone else, it’s so important that I trust myself. And have confidence in myself that I am ready for this and can be of service to my clients. I think I’m beginning to see that it’s not about being perfect, or being fully “ready,” because when are we ever really “ready” for anything in our lives?

Instead, it’s about being present in the moment. Saying “yes” to whatever is. Saying yes to the moment in its heartbreak. Or joy. Or sadness. It’s also about being vulnerable, and allowing yourself to make mistakes and pick yourself up, dust off, and start again.

Patience

I went to another training for family constellation work on Sunday, which was incredible. Because of the intensity of the emotional field, family constellations also take a great deal of energy. So I came home exhausted--and filled with a sense of peace.

Each exposure I have deepens my desire to study family constellations in more depth. I will just have to be patient until the school year is over.

A day at the office

The first day of my internship went very slowly, partially because I was so tired. Until I get my registered counselor certificate and finish the required (thank you!) observations, there’s not a lot that I can do, except for read and do research.

I like the people I’ve met in the office a lot, but as I’ve been freelance for a couple of years, it’s strange to be in an office for such a long period of time. I’ve scheduled the first of my observations for next week, and I’m sure there will be a great deal to learn from it.

Autobiography in Five Chapters

-1-
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
I fall in.
I am lost.....I am hopeless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

-2-
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it. I fall in agan.
I can't believe I'm in the same place.
But it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

-3-
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in...it's a habit
My eyes are open
I know where I am
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

-4-
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

-5-
I walk down another street.

~Nyoshul Khenpo