Sunday in the park

It was a beautiful day today, although it was a bit chilly. B. and I decided to go for a late afternoon bike ride. We rode to Seward Park, did a loop, then rode for a couple of miles along lake WA Blvd, did another loop around the park, and then rode home. We rode close to 12 miles, but it did not seem that long, because the route was relatively flat (except, of course for the killer hill on the way home).

The only trouble is that with my bike, which is designed to keep your body more upright than regular street bikes, it's very hard to get any momentum. (I needed something that would be easy on my low back). I found myself struggling to keep up with B.--and this time it was not due to lack of exertion or physical ability!

Still, it was a lot of fun. I can see why so many people like to bike in this neighborhood.

When to let go

I woke up Tuesday morning feeling sick as a dog. I have been struggling the last few days to finish my self assessment paper when life and a full client load have gotten in the way. I finished it and made all the copies this morning, still feeling awful. What’s worse is I thought I had Pro-Sem today, so wrote a case study up in a hurry and rushed to campus only to find that it’s actually next Thursday and I could have spent more time on my paper. Oh well, it’s done and off in the mail. I wrote more about the things I learned that were important to me and less the list of items that we were supposed to talk about—itemizing each leadership skill one by one. The difference, and hopefully this is a good thing, is that I did the paper as part of my own learning and not to satisfy someone else. Hopefully, if nothing else, that will come through.

I still feel awful, but am so thankful to have tonight to just rest and hang out with the dogs.

“Just trust yourself, then you will know how to live.” ~Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe

Wisdom from Kurt Vonnegut in my inbox

"I urge you to please notice when you are happy, and exclaim or
murmur or think at some point, 'If this isn't nice, I don't know what is.'"

Expanding the circle

I set the intention for myself that I wanted to try to be less anxious in intense emotional fields. In trying to take a step towards further differentiation, I found my brother upset at me and my dad caught in a well-established pattern of triangulation. Holding onto myself was uneasy and felt very clumsy, yet I still did the best I could.

I suppose you really should be careful what you wish for, because later that afternoon after reflecting on how I handled the situation and my desire to change certain patters, I began to feel better.

Then, I went into the office to pick up something I left on Friday and I set of the security alarm. Luckily, the policed did not come. (They were dispatched, but then cancelled). It turned out it was not my fault at all, but it made for a very difficult afternoon, where I could have been very upset at myself--and truth be told, I was for a while.

What I'm taking away, however, is that despite all of this, I was able to calm myself down--if not come back to center and have a wonderful, wonderful day.

I made scallop risotto with roasted bell peppers and grated orange zest. It took a long time and made the kitchen a huge mess, but it was so much fun. I found the recipe in a book I purchased at the Magunson Park Book Fair, which we went to on Saturday and came home with bags and bags of great books.

And this morning I got a very sweet message from my dad. I realize that change takes time, and I also see the push back reaction we learned about in school when one person attempts to self-differentiate.

Still, I'm very hopeful and believe it will get easier, piece by piece.

A message for me?

From my horoscope:

Here's what George Sheehan wrote in Running and Being, his book about running: "If you want to win anything--a race, your self, your life--you have to go a little berserk." For a limited time only, I'm endorsing that strategy for your personal use, Cancerian. While I do love your sensitivity and subtlety, right now I'd like to see you get half-crazy in a ferocious devotion to the noble dream you love best.

The question of the day is which noble dream I love best. Oh, that's an easy answer...

Holding lightly

A lot happened outside of class this module. I’m trying to hold the experience lightly. Right now, I’m processing and very thankful to have this time before going to my internship tomorrow. Last night I received feedback from one of my colleagues that had a strong impact on me. I’ve been asking myself what about it I had a reaction to. Was it that I highly respect this person and was surprised? Was it that he didn't think I had fully achieved competency? That really I was not a good therapist?

In receiving feedback from all of my classmates, I can see a grain of truth in what everyone writes. I can also see that it clearly comes from each person's unique perspective. I may receive the same general feedback from several people, but it comes out differently based on who is giving the feedback. I have also seen how much of me is reflected in the feedback that I have given others. There are reasons we notice what we do... This has been a huge lesson for me.

I have received both confirming feedback (in line with my own vision of self) and disconfirming feedback (in opposition to my concept of self and my beliefs). I don’t know if this is the first time, but it is definitely much clearer to me now that the disconfirming feedback that I did not hold as true for myself was very easy to let go of. However, the pieces of feedback that hit on a truth, however hidden, seemed to resonate and ripple through my thoughts. That feedback has stayed with me.

Last night and this morning, I have realized that I paid more attention to the challenging, disconfirming feedback I received from a single person than I did the positive feedback from all of my classmates combined, including those who know me best. Some of my close colleagues mentioned just that—in as loving a way as they could. I seemed overly aware of my edges and not accepting or even willing to acknowledge my strengths. Can I move to a place that I accept myself as a whole person, with both incredible beauty and flaws? Taking this in, really hearing it, along with how I held the disconfirming feedback has given me a lot to think about.

I actually let out an exasperated sigh when I received a couple very positive evaluations of my leadership. On Sunday afternoon, I also led I-Group and was somewhat disappointed that the group did not offer me much challenging feedback. I heard the compliments, but where was the challenge? Where could I be a better leader?

What I’m sitting with right now is how touched I was by several colleagues. One of them said that I seemed almost willing to receive negative feedback, but don't acknowledge in myself what I so readily acknowledge in others. Of the people who know me well, that was a very common theme.

So, I’m trying to look at things a little differently and be open to growth occurring without hardship and to see, really see the good and wonderful parts about myself. Slowly, I'm starting to believe that I am good enough. And this is just the tip of the iceberg in how this module has touched me.

The marathon is over

For both of us...

B. did absolutely amazing in the marathon. Despite very cold, windy conditions, he finished just over 3: 04! I'm so very proud of him and I wish I could be there to celebrate.

I am recovering from module and have big plans to rest, enjoy hanging out with the dogs, and try to worry about absolutely nothing.

Timing

Tonight is the last night before module. I have mixed feelings. It means leaving Koya when he is still recovering from his accident (he was hit by a car last Thursday and injured pretty badly), and also not being able to go with B. to see him run in the Boston Marathon. Both are tugging on my heart.

A colleague of mine asked what I was most scared about going into Module III. Honestly, I feel pretty good about how things are going school-wise. I just need to take one thing at a time. This year there is much more of an emphasis on academic work: papers, assessments, exams, etc, whereas last year the most difficult work was highly personal. When I look back, I’m very proud of the work I have done and feel that it's finally paying off; I'm in a very different place now. I know that in this field there will be continuous opportunities for personal growth, but ultimately I feel good about where I am and where I am headed.

And although I am not caught up on all the reading, I feel like I am more prepared for this module. I will just miss the boys a lot--and Luna. It's a hard time to be leaving.

Just one look

I just stumbled upon the OneLook Dictionary Search Web site. It's fantastic; it links to Wikepedia, M-W, Encarta, and many, many others. This is a writer's dream--or great for anyone interested in language. I think it will help me resolve many a scrabble arguments. :)

Live as if...

"To believe in something not yet proved and to underwrite it with our lives: it is the only way we can leave the future open." Lillian Smith

Easter Sunday

B.'s parents left today after a very full, wonderful weekend. On Easter, we had a feast (which we still have leftovers from). We found a little Polish deli on Capital Hill and I swear B.'s mom bought half of the store. Then we went to the market and bought even more food and fresh flowers. His mom and I spent most of Saturday making borsch and several other side dishes. On Sunday, I escaped going to mass and helped with final preparations. I even made mimosas from freshly squeezed blood oranges we got at the market.

We took a brief break from our feeding marathon (at least that's how it felt) for a walk around the park and then later that night we took the Spirit of Washington Dinner Train to the winery and back. The train ride was a bit disappointing, as it was mostly urban areas with a few open views of Lake Washington, but we still had a great time.

Needless to say, I've been going from one thing to the next lately, and so today it was nice to just take some time to relax and have fun.

I took my new bike out for a spin and "paced" B. on one of his last long runs before the marathon. He ran while I biked alongside him. It was beautiful and sunny, but there was so much wind that it was pretty cold. I wished I had a camera to take a picture of the Olympics from the Elliott Bay Marina.

Surf, sand, and hail?

We had a fabulous weekend; it was so good to get away. The only downside was that it was freezing cold and rainy the entire time we were there. Actually, the sun came out a little, but it was deceptive, because there were 25+ mile/hour winds and even hail one afternoon! The dogs have never been happier than when they got to tromp along the beach.

I started my paper on the drive home and didn't finish until late last night. I'm glad it's done. And now that I have most all of my class assessments done, I can concentrate on getting ready for B.'s parents who are coming for Easter. I'm really looking forward to their visit.