See More Film, Get Outside

Over the weekend B. and I saw a few really great films, first Pleasant Moments, which was about a Czech therapist, Fair Play--a Fench movie about corporate politics, which takes place outside the workplace while coworkers engage in different types of sport, and lastly Fish Dreams--a Brazilian movie about a young man growing up and enduring his first love in a small fishing village.

For Memorial Day, we decided to get away and go hiking. B. found a trail that goes up Squak Mountain. It was a beautiful hike, around 4.5 miles. The highlight was having Luna, the adventure dog, carry the GPS device and lead us through the woods.

We came down the mountain just as the sun was filtering through the trees before dusk. What a beautiful day!

Long Days

Yesterday was a marathon day at my internship site. I was there from the morning til almost 9 at night. But it was good for me, because I got to see my first couple.

I took a break in between clients and went for a quick walk along the Green River Trail that goes past Starfire Sports at the North edge of Tukwilla.

Compared to the other trails B. and I have been on, the Green River Trail was nothing special. It was nice to feel some connection to nature while in the middle of urban sprawl (the trail does not feel too much like being in nature, because it winds alongside an office park for part of the way).

So far, B. and I have explored quite a few of the King County Regional Trails. But there's still many more to do:
Burke Gilman Trail
Cedar River Trail
East Plateau Trail
Green-to-Cedar Rock Trail
Lake Youngs Trail
Preston-Snoqualmie Trail
Puget Power Trail
Tolt Pipeline Trail

Halfway

I'm having a rough time recovering from module this time around. In many ways, this module hit me hard. With couples work, friends going though really rough life situations, assessment, and my own personal issues, this was one of the hardest modules I can remember. This module also marked the halfway point of our year, which tells me there is light at the end of the tunnel, but also how little time we have left together.

B. and I got to take the dogs to the park yesterday, which was wonderful--sort of a segue back into my own life.

I wanted to go for a run before my group today, but I was just so incredibly tired. I hope that a good night's rest will help me feel more normal.

Over the hills and through the woods

We went for a beautiful 3 mi run through Seward Park. The dogs had a blast running through the forest. I even got a little bit of sun. I love that both of the dogs are becoming such good swimmers. It makes me look forward to going hiking and camping in the summer and watching them explore the lakes around Puget Sound.

Snoqualmie Falls

Today, for Mother's Day and just to get out and have fun, we went to Snoqualmie Falls. I had never been there and had heard great things about it. I even read that it's the tallest waterfall in Washington State.

Before we left, I think the dogs knew something was up. They were very excited. Unfortunately, when we got to the falls, a Puget Sound Energy employee informed us that no dogs were allowed on the premises. I was really angry, because it meant that we had to leave the dogs alone in the car. When I finally saw one of the PSE signs, it made me more upset. The picture on the sign does not look like a dog at all. It looks more like a duck! The falls were amazing. We decided to do the short but steep hike to the lower observation deck, which was well worth it. On the way back, we even got to see some baby Peregrine Falcons.

Before leaving, we stopped at the Salish Lodge Attic Bistro for a drink overlooking the falls. With such an amazing view, we decided to stay for desert and coffee. It was a nice treat, and was a nice way to spend Mother's Day, as it was harder on me today than it has been in years. I attribute it being hard in part to helping clients work through similar grief issues. With how I was feeling, it was wonderful for me to spend the day with B. and the dogs. We ended up taking them to the park before coming home With both of them fast asleep, tired from running and swimming, I think they forgive us. :)

A day in the sun

Spirit

I-90 Bridge (@the 1 mi mark)


My favorite Madrona tree (w/a view of Mercer Is.)

I went for a nice walk around the Seward Park Loop by myself. When I got home, B. asked me if I took the dogs. "No, I went by myself."

"That's rude."

~We have some very spoiled dogs. We apologize to them when we don't take them with us when we leave the house. They get better seats than we do. And, they eat better, too.

Anyway, it was a beautiful walk, which I thoroughly enjoyed--by myself!

Seattle skyline (@the 1 1/2 mi mark)

And, finally, I have a little video, which I call "the attack of the duck". Can you tell I was having fun with our new camera?

Open season

I went to the farmer's market for the first time this season. There were not many vegetables yet, but I did get some beautiful flowers, pumpernickel bread, and some green onions that I used to season fresh trout we had for dinner.

A pain in my tooth

Today was the first day in I can't remember how long that I didn't have a paper to write, a presentation to prepare, or anything for my internship. But, I did have to go to the dentist. I got my first crown (over a fractured tooth), so my plans for a leisurely day and a long bike ride were rather foiled. After several hours of drilling and cleaning, I can home and laid down for a while until a little of the pain subsided a bit.

B. and I did make it to buy a camera in the evening, something we've been meaning to do for ages since his broke.

My tooth still hurts quite a bit and I have a splitting headache. I'm just hoping that it gets better (patience is not my strong suit) and that I will not have to get a root canal.

Other than that, I'm thrilled about the gorgeous weather and have enjoyed being outside with all the fragrant flowers--lilacs, roses, wisteria. Being outside is rather magical.

Twelve Steps

I went to an Al-Anon meeting for the first time in my life for a paper that I need to write on chemical dependency. I'm struck by the irony of it. I am surrounded by alcoholics, and addiction has played a huge role in my life, but the first time I go to a meeting it is for research for a paper. Someone in the meeting asked why Al-Anon is not more well-known. The leader of the meeting answered that usually those who are most affected by alcohol and addiction try to handle everything on their own. As a rule, children and partners of those dealing with addiction have trouble asking for help. Sound like anyone familiar? The woman also said it's a bit more complex, after all, we don't hold a bottle in our hands and there are no courts forcing us to get treatment.

Lisa went with me to the meeting. It was nice to have her there and she gave me looks of complete knowing when people spoke of expecting others to do things to the perfecting standards that they hold for themselves. In truth, I saw a lot of similarities in the stories shared, including my own. But I'm not sure it's right for me. The meeting was very long, and the rules and procedures took up a large part of the meeting.

It is an interesting idea to go through the twelve steps on my own. The first is admitting that we are powerless over alcohol- that our lives have become unmanageable. When I looked for the 12 steps, I found that they were written in past tense. I found that intriguing. I think it will take time for me to get through the first one.

1.
We admitted we were powerless over alcohol- that our lives had become unmanageable.
2.
Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3.
Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
4.
Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5.
Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
6.
Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
7.
Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
8.
Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
9.
Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
10.
Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
11.
Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
12.
Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these Steps, we tried to carry this message to others, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

What it means for me to learn to trust

So today, I am not going to complain. I got to go for a walk this morning aroud the park. The sky was beautiful, and the water was incredibly dark. It looked magical as the sun was coming out after an early morning storm.

Everything today is good. B. has been so supportive and wonderful the last few days while I have had a confidence crisis. He so sweetly said, "Of course you're a good therapist." And he reminded me of comments from my clients and even others who have told me that they know I will be a great therapist. I may not feel that way now, but believe I have the desire and strong intention that will help me do this work.

No shows or not, difficult Pro-Sems that make me feel I am doing everything wrong, and me feeling like I am stumbling--I can see all of these things as part of my journey today. I re-read my assessment paper after my walk and I was touched by the awareness of where I am and my vision of where I am going. The message that underscored everything I wrote was about learning to trust myself, believe in myself.

I'm reminded of a quote that a dear freind gave me in a book titled just that--Believe in Yourself. She had the book bookmarked to open to this quote: "If you don't know the answer, perhaps you should rephrase the question." On the opposite side of the page was another quote that she wanted to give me. "Self-acceptance gives you the much needed energy and freedom to grow." Both of these are great things for me to keep in mind. Thank you!

So, just for today, I am working on accepting myself, exactly where I am, right now, with all my bumps and my glory.

Can I have my life back for just a little while?

I feel like I have done a lot of complaining lately. Part of me is really tired of it. And another part of me wants to have the complaining change reality right now.

School sucks. There is too much to get done. I'm sure I can push myself a little more, and I know that it will all get done. I just want my life back for a little bit. I want to see friends I have not seen in months. I miss the reassurance of having work that I felt, I knew, I was very good at. I want a weekend away, where I don't have to worry about books, papers, and assessments.

Tonight, I'm checking out for a little bit--and back to the grind tomorrow.

Thanks, J for encouraging my temper tantrum. Sometimes, I think it's perfectly healthy to feel like a three-year old.

Out the corner window

I was really excited about my sessions with clients today. Then, two clients in a row did not show up for their appointments, and it feels like all my confidence flew out the window. I suppose that with private practice, cancellations and no shows are par for the course. Now I understand how William felt when I missed appointments.

If I can get past the dissapointment, I might really enjoy the time to read and catch up on paperwork.

One day at a time

One paper down, one to go--and that's just for the beginning of the week. I went into my supervision session yesterday and told my supervisor (who had planned on reviewing all my clinical notes) how overwhelmed I felt with the demands of school and a full client load. I felt that I was able to let my guard down and be human with her, which I have not really felt before. It turned out to be one of the most helpful supervision sessions that we have had.

My lesson for the day: don't feel that everything has to be perfect. Sometimes being vulnerable and asking for help does not necessarily mean burdening others; it can also allow a deeper relationship to exist. What's funny to me is I have to be absolutely worn down, at the end of my rope, before I'd even think of asking for help. Where did that insane quality come from?

Right now, I'm just trying to take it one day at a time and be open to the possibility that I am exactly where I need to be.