Surprise

I just heard that I will be starting my internship in the beginning of December instead of in the new year. It's hard to believe that I will be sitting with paying clients very soon.

I have to believe that I am ready...(or will be when the time comes)

Cleaning out the cobwebs

I have been waiting most of the day for a housecleaner to come and help me clean the space that was occupied by Royce. I got tired of calling it Royce’s room the other night and said to B. that we needed to come up with a fun name. For some reason, all I could think of was Curious George, maybe because I’ve been begging to see the movie and have yet to convince anyone of how much fun it would be. So, until it is used for other things, we've decided to call the space "George's Room".

While waiting, I stared cleaning the basement so that it would be ready when someone comes to deliver a dryer tomorrow afternoon. What started as tidying up resulted in hours of labor. Part of the basement is finished and when my brother lived here, we put in Pergo wood floors and painted part of the room red to match the color of the brick walls. I got inspired to move everything out so that we could actually use the space. It looks a lot better, but is far from being done.

I’ve asked Lisa to pull my cards frequently as of late and have received the space clearing card several times. As I am starting on a new journey in many areas of my life--pursuing my life's calling, starting a new chapter with the man I love--I want to make a home that will help me flourish in all these areas as well as be a sanctuary and ground for creative work. As Karen Kingston writes, "Cleanliness is close to Godliness."

Trusting intuition

I have been invited to begin my internship at Valley Counseling, a small private practice in Renton. It is the only place I applied and where I had a strong intuition from the beginning about being the place I belonged.

During my introduction to Pro-Sem, my professor Alex asked me if I had a back-up plan. I said that I could apply at other places, but had a good feeling about Valley Counseling. It’s ironic, because Alex is one of the first people to ever call me on my intuition and she also worked at Valley Counseling for several years. It's a small world, isn't it? That or the universe just has a well-thought out plan.

Clearing space

Royce is out. I’m so excited that she’s gone…

It has been an incredible ordeal though. I essentially had to evict her and she threatened to sue me.

I have been waiting with held breath to hear back from my lawyer. Although I will lose quite a bit of money in past rent, Royce does not have a leg to stand on. My lawyer said I could, if I wanted to expend the energy, take her to small claims court. I am just so relieved that she is gone. I can already feel the energy changing; I could even feel it when she first started moving her stuff out. There’s more light.

Space to create something new.

Lisa and I spoke on the phone, and she said to me that standing up for myself certainly was my lesson this past week. It hasn’t been easy, but I’m proud of the fact that I confronted Royce (while her entire family and father were there) and tried to engage in a difficult conversation.

Royce's father was threatening to both B. and I. Part of me froze, caught in an old feeling of helplessness. Yet, I did everything possible short of calling the police. Although I should have had a contract from the beginning, I did everything I could to handle the situation with integrity.

Blossoming

This past week as been amazing for me. I wish I had the mental space to capture some of the experiences and realizations here, but honestly at this time I don’t. It’s enough to say that I’ve entered into a new stage in my life and that in many ways a torch has been passed onto me.

I am exhausted today from lack of sleep and uncountable tears. And yet I have been touched by something beautiful.

Although I am sitting with a feeling of loss, compared to other goodbyes in my life that were out of my control, I said goodbye to many that I loved and to my experience as a first year student with intentionality. That intention has helped me see the beauty as well as the sadness.

In the coming days, I hope to find a place to explore what has happened over the last few days.
For now, I sit in gratitude for the gifts I have received.

Saying YES to the moment. Saying yes to life.

I’ve had a few glasses of wine, so I’m going to say this now, because tomorrow I don’t think I would...

I did things today that I would have not thought possible a year ago. I am immensely proud of myself and I feel fantastic. I feel as if I have turned a point and begun the life that I’m meant to live. I know now that I am becoming the person that I’m meant to be.

It’s still a process, and I’m sure that I’ll continue to stumble and fall—and that I’ve got a lot of work ahead of me—but I took some steps today. I took some gigantic leaps. And, honestly, I may be scared about tomorrow, but God it feels good right now.

The tamarind does not fall far from the tree

I went to an amazing Vietnamese restaurant last night called The Tamarind Tree with my dad and Nick instead of the usual Sichuanese Cafe we usually go to. We sat outside, where there was a waterfall and lots of outdoor heaters. The food was incredible. Roasted Quail with tamarind and black pepper sauce, sautéed pork, shitake mushrooms and rice paper, lemongrass grilled beef, fresh spring rolls, and tofu with sautéed pork, basil, and tomatoes. I also had a mango martini— my new drink of choice.

It was so much fun. I was laughing hysterically. And I wished B. was there—not to meet my dad, but just because I was having such a good time that I think he would have really enjoyed it.

Today, I got a good 4 hours of studying in. And so I’m going to take tomorrow (the last day before Module 7) and just relax. I plan on going for a run early in the morning, and then we are going to go on a shopping expedition for new running shoes...

Call me Grace

I’m beginning to have blogger’s guilt. So much has been happening that I’ve scarcely had the time to process, let alone write.

After my study group today, which I hosted, I got to go for a glorious run at Seward Park when the sun was setting. It was wonderful to have that time to myself. I’ve been busy with school and other stuff and as B. is recovering from an injury before the marathon, running has been the thing that I've put on hold. I really am so much happier when I run as close to every day as possible.

I did get to go for a great bike ride yesterday. It seemed short, but I think B. and I went close to 15 miles. (Unfortunately, he forgot his GPS device). The fall colors were amazing. We stopped at Mioposto and had a beer after I took a bad spill. Honestly, I felt like such a dork. But the waiter was very sweet and got me ice for my wrist. Today, I feel much better, but my arm is still bothering me.

Now I see the humor in the fact that my dad used to call me Grace...

The Underpants

So much to catch up on…going to see The Underpants tonight as part of the extended birthday celebration. (B. and I actually stayed home last night on his birthday after spending a wonderful day together. We had gone out the night before to celebrate and were both really tired from that and getting massages as Habitude).

I think the play should be great. Here's the description:

The Underpants, concocted by comic genius Steve Martin, is a hilarious, sophisticated adaptation of Carl Sternheim's classic 1910 farce about a housewife who becomes an overnight celebrity when she accidentally loses her underpants in public. Chaos follows in this witty comedy that explores fidelity, sexuality and hidden desire.

Koya san

I was up at six this morning. Koya was whining in pain. He’s got another horrible hotspot that he won’t leave alone. It’s all raw. I put his cone on him, but I really don’t know what to do. I can’t keep him on steroids forever.

He breaks my heart when he does this. I just want him to feel better. And then I wonder, as hard as I am on myself, how much is he taking after me? How much is it because I'm stressed about upcoming exams and school?

What’s strange is that Koya actually does much better when B. is around. I think it must be the male bonding. And they play together, which makes Koya ecstatic. (I can play with him until the cows come home, but he loves to run and play with B.)

I hope something helps. I’ve got a few steroids and antibiotics from the last time I took him to the vet, which I hope do the trick. You can see how miserable he is wearing the cone and what he looks like when he is happy and healthy. He is such a beautiful boy and brings so much joy into my life. I just want him to get better. For good.

Sunset sail

I took B. out on a sailing trip for an early birthday celebration. Last year, I gave him a book that he hasn’t yet read (The World is Flat). So, this year, I wanted to do something that was more memorable.

As I get older, I’m finding that giving experiences is far more meaningful than most material objects, although I don’t think I’ll ever stop giving books to those I love. It’s a habit I think would be tough to break given my love of reading. And giving a book can be very personal. But this way I get to join in on the fun, too.
The charter company, Emerald City Charters, closes for the year on the 15th and as I will be in class then, we decided to take advantage of the gorgeous weather yesterday. We walked to the pier from Belltown and arrived just in time to buy some wine from a nearby store before boarding the Obsession. (I love boat names; I think sailors are--for the most part--incredibly witty). Although there were more people than I had expected, it was a lot of fun. We saw a spectacular sunset and then near the end of the trip, we saw a huge sea lion. (I wish I could post the video). Before my mom died, she found so much peace sailing. I think it helped her stay alive as long as she did. She had two sailboats: a 1971 Cheoy Lee (Narnia, named after the C.S. Lewis books) that she moored at Browns Point (it was very similar to the picture here, but was navy blue) and a smaller day sailboat she kept at American Lake, closer to where she lived.
I have so many fond memories of sailing around the Sound with my family. Unfortunately, after mom died, Nick thought it would be easier to sell the boat. (We decided to donate the smaller sailboat to the American Lake Sailing Club).
Our sunset sail in Elliot Bay made me reminisce about peaceful afternoons spent on the water. (I’ve decided that one of us needs to win the lottery).

I also had an interesting moment on our trip. My memory failed me about something utterly trivial and tears started streaming down my cheeks. It was a surreal experience while surrounded by total strangers, but something happened to me in that moment.
Given my history, I know that I’m very lucky to be doing as well as I am and yet I struggle with the fact that I will likely face similar memory problems for the rest of my life. Being so affected by an insignificant detail showed me clearly that somehow I need to come to accept this and not get angry at myself for something that is out of my control.

I need to see that my past has been a gift, which has led me to where I am today. In the end, I think it will give me a unique ability to work with others who have MTBI, a special sort of empathy that they may not be able to get from their family and friends. For me, it was very difficult not having anyone who could really understand what I was going through. And, as for B. and our sailing trip, he seemed to really enjoy himself. To me, the smile on his face is priceless, and the fun's not over yet. He's got a few more surprises left.

How do you like them apples?

B. and I tackled the apple tree in the front yard today. I intended on just picking up all the fallen apples, but it was a beautiful crisp and sunny October afternoon, which led us both to get a little carried away. B. got out the ladder and I climbed the tree so that we could pick the ripe apples near the top. (I haven't climbed a tree in years). Four bags of apples later, we went inside very satisfied.

I thought that would be the end of our little apple adventure, but we decided to find some recipes for apple cider. We decided on rum-spiced cider made with dark rum, cinnamon sticks, real cloves, and allspice berries (Cooking for the Weekend by Michael McLaughlin, 1994). The whole process was so much fun and the end product was incredible, better than any apple cider I’ve ever had. (Maybe it was the combination of Jamaican rum and melted butter?)

The bad news is making apple cider can be quite messy. Oh, and I still have more than three bags full of apples. Even if I make all the cider, apple pies, and apple butter I could possibly use, I will still have more than I know what to do with, not to mention a tree covered with apples...

Want any?

"I practice a listening heart."

"At the height of laughter, the universe is flung into a kaleidoscope of new possibilities." Jean Houston

I took a break from studying to read through some papers from other students in my discussion group for systems counseling. All I have to say is that I’m thankful I’ve surrounded myself with people I highly respect. In reading the papers of others in my group, I felt that each person gave voice to thoughts I had but could not express. And yet I’m trying to recognize my own strengths and take credit for the place where I’m at. I know that it is a life-long journey. Along the way, I want to embrace my capacity to push myself further while honoring the ideas that I currently hold to be true.

I’m touched, too, by the idea that the best therapists are ultimately those who are committed to learning about themselves and about others they are in community with—whether that be clients, friends, or partners. By no means do I believe that becoming a therapist is an easy undertaking. But I can’t imagine a career that would teach me more about myself, about resiliency, or about a human's capacity to navigate through the complex and beautiful paradoxes of life.

“Fear is a gross misuse of the imagination.”

That's what my brilliant counselor and mentor often says to me. I agree. In fact, in discussing what moves people toward and away from health, what causes dis-ease (read unease) and dysfunction, I wrote a lot about fear and how its ability to consume someone can manifest as physical symptoms in the body and dysfunction in a couple or family system.

I try to remember this saying about fear when I’m faced with anxiety, imaging what could happen. When I think about what could happen, usually my mind goes to a negative place. Why not change the way the same words are used?

Yes, anything can happen, that includes things that are beyond comprehension, which are positive--things beyond your wildest dreams.

It would be good for me to reread the Power of Intention or Ask and It is Given. Both books speak of what is possible if you focus on the abundance that surrounds you. Sometimes, I think we are given exactly what we expect; we are given what we ask for.

If we as individuals have the ability to manifest our intentions, then fear is a gross misuse of the imagination.

Fall is magical. To me, it’s not about endings, it's a time of new beginnings…

After a bout of stomach flu—or food poisoning, I’m not sure which—I am giving myself a day to relax, read, and work in the yard. After today, I'm going to be on a serious schedule. STUDY. STUDY. STUDY. All work and no play can be a little dangerous for me, so I will make adjustments to have fun. For the most part, though, the month of October will be a serious one for me, especially with having two modules: a mini-module for systems counseling and then Module 7, which will end the first year of the program. It will also be the last time we meet before starting our internships and a goodbye celebration for the second-year students.

I have an interview next week, which I’m really excited about. I have a good feeling that the place I’m interviewing is where I’ll end up. I’m crossing my fingers, anyway.

Saturday!

Still fighting a cold…I can’t remember the last Saturday (or even the last day) where I didn’t have something planned. I was thinking of going to kung fu, but have not been for a while and don’t feel quite prepared. But it looks like it will be a beautiful day outside, a good day for a run in the park.

Back to work

I’m in the middle of my counseling theory paper. It’s such a personal paper, it’s harder than most for me. And there are a million things to write about in such a short space.

I took a short and very needed break and went to lunch with Zia. Now, back to it…

A message for the day

Just remain in the center, watching.
And then forget that you are there.
~Lao-Tzu

Relationship triangles—It's not what you think

At home with a cold..

I got my internship application in yesterday and have an interview scheduled for the middle of October. I have only applied at one site and would be wise to apply at a few more.

I’m almost done with The Gift of Therapy: An Open Letter to a New Generation of Therapists and Their Patients and am finding lots of gems for my counseling theory paper. I also started reading Working with Relationship Triangles: The One-Two-Three of Psycotherapy. It’s a little late in the game, as I was supposed to finish it months ago, but I’m really liking it. There are so many areas where triangles are created to dissipate tension (of whatever kind) that exists between two individuals.

The triangle may be between two parents and their child, a parent and two siblings, ore even two individuals and an activity or distraction like working too much or over consuming alcohol. I can see many triangles in my own family; I can see them in my relationships, too.

However, being aware of how they manifest and locating where the tension actually lies allows for change.

Tom Fogarty, influenced by Bowen but less enamored of psychoanalytic thinking, was the first to focus on relationship movement in the study of triangles. He described how individuals move toward and away from each other in response to their discomfort about being too close or too distant. He pointed out that movement created the structure of the triangle: An individual moves toward a third person as he or she moves away from the second member of a dyad (for example, a husband moves toward an affair as he moves away from his wife). In other words, Fogarty viewed triangles as a short-circuiting mechanism that serves the purposes of avoiding discomfort with intimacy and of avoiding discomfort with facing conflictual issues.

With my own family, I’ve tried to cease the pattern of triangulaiton between my father, brother, and myself. When a single aspect of a system changes, it affects the system as a whole; eventually, a new way of relating is made possible.

I welcome joy as my spiritual companion

From Blessings:

I invite joy to bless my life. I welcome joy to my heart. Asceticism, hardship, grandiosity—these are enemies, not the handmaidens of spiritual growth. Gentleness, opening attention—these are the gardening tools which best encourage growth. In every moment, I can choose between will and willingness, between determination and fructification. As I allow myself to be rendered gently fruitful, I become fluid from moment to moment. The harshness of my experience slips away. Spirituality requires vulnerability and openness. As I still myself rather than “steel” myself, I have ever more clearly the quiet promptings of inner growth. As I follow the lead which joy sets in my life, I am gently, safely, and surely led.