Dance of the Dragonfly

Discovery

2008-10-14T21:55:00.001-07:00

"Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are." ~Bernice Johnson Reagon

The last few days have been incredibly difficult for me. In the strange way that the universe works, I stumbled across this quote today when I was working on research for an article.

Lately, that's how I've felt--paralyzed. I've felt trapped and all out of options. This quote reminds me to look at at the challenges I'm facing in a different light. What are they teaching me? How are these challenges showing my character and paving the way for things to come?

It is a relief to even begin asking these questions.

Good conversation and a little bit of wine hasn't hurt much either.

Harrison Owen's Principles of Spirituality

2008-10-11T17:09:00.001-07:00

It's been a rough few days (or weeks or months, however you look at it). In a class on shamanism I am taking, we learned about Harrison Owen's four principles of spirituality. I keep repeating the second law over and over in my head. "Whatever happened in the only thing that could have happened." Here are the other principles:

1 Whoever comes are the right people
2 Whatever happened is the only thing that could have happened
3 Whenever it starts is the right time
4 When it’s over, it’s over

I am trusting that nothing could have happened differently. I firmly believe that we all do the very best we can with the circumstances presented to us at any given time.

Light

2008-09-12T22:12:00.000-07:00

I cam across some pictures taken last Fall. I love the light in these photos.

I'm listening

2008-09-01T10:58:00.000-07:00

I keep seeing feathers everywhere. Not just one or two, but feather after feather.

I went for a short walk (maybe 20 -30 min) on Tuesday evening and there were between15 and 20 feathers right on my path. Black feathers, white feathers, Duck feathers, Crow feathers--you name it. I eventually stopped counting and just had to laugh.

The sheer number of feathers in such a short time frame directly on my path was unusual enough to get my attention. I also thought about the symbolic meaning of feathers as referenced in Animal Speak and other sources. I was finding more feathers than I could possibly need or want— and I was very aware that I was finding them on my path because I was choosing to see them.

I have been shifting my awareness to the prosperity that is all around me when I choose to see it (and am open to receiving it). Magical things have been happening. I have a new client; another client who has been stressed about finances was able to be reimbursed for the majority of all her sessions with me, which will make it easier for her to come; B was able to completely fix my computer and saved us hundreds of dollars. The list goes on, and on.

I now delight and laugh at how I am seeing feathers everywhere. I recently was lead through the Dreamwork process where I discussed what this image could mean. I was asked to title the image of feathers, like you might title a dream or a movie. My title: I'm listening.

Each time I see a feather, it is a reminder to me to look for the good that is present in every situation, to believe that I am supported, to have faith.

Grattitude and business

2008-08-19T17:26:00.000-07:00

I was having a particularly challenging day today and I came home to check my e-mail (my own computer is currently being checked out and repaired for a very small fee) and I came across several blog posts about business and gratitude. One of them offered the following quote, which brightened my day, helped me to take a deep breath, and sit for a moment thinking about all I have to be thankful for. Great advice!

Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos into order and confusion into clarity. It turns problems into gifts, failures into success, the unexpected into perfect timing and mistakes into important events. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today and creates a vision for tomorrow.

Melodie Beattie

The 3rd Annual “Play Your Way to Prosperity” Experiment begins today!

2008-08-18T09:33:00.000-07:00

Today, I invite you to play the prosperity game with me: http://choosingprosperity.com/blog/?p=21. Actually I am taking part in what's called a prosperity experiment that will produce tangible evidence about the law of attraction.

‘The Universe makes no distinction between the vibration you offer in response to what you are living and the vibration that you offer in response to what you are imagining, so this Prosperity Game Process is a powerful tool for shifting your vibrational point of attraction.By writing checks, using your imagination, writing the memos, focusing as you write, and feeling no resistance as you write the checks (because there will be no fear of overspending), you will achieve what is necessary in the achievement of anything: You will have made a statement of desire while you are in the state of non-resistance, or better said, in the state of allowing.

So, not only will you have the benefit of an expanded imagination, but your point of attraction will shift, and your life experience will then shift as well. Not only will your financial situation improve, but all manner of things that you have focused upon with pleasure will begin to flow into your experience.’ — Abraham-Hicks in Ask and It is Given

I hope you can join me for this fun experiment.

Love, Elizabeth

Biology of Belief

2008-08-11T09:48:00.000-07:00

Here's a great quote from the author of The Biology of Belief, Bruce Lipton:

"Positive thoughts have a profound effect on behavior and genes, but only when they are in harmony with subconscious programming."
~ Bruce Lipton, Ph.D.

Art of Allowing

2008-08-01T08:48:00.000-07:00

I went to the Abraham Hicks Art of Allowing Workshop yesterday after much deliberation. I have been really worried about finances, but am so very glad I went. It was full of inspiration and insight. I actually feel as if just making that choice has started to turn things around for me. I learned so much. As a surprise, I also got to see a couple of people I had not seen in a long time. It was truly a wonderful day.

I found this quote off of their Web site and it spoke to me "Worthiness, in very simple terms, means, I have found a way to let the Energy reach me, the Energy that is natural, reach me. Worthiness, or unworthiness, is something that is pronounced upon you by you. You are the only one that can deem yourself worthy or unworthy. You are the only one who can love yourself into a state of allowing, or hate yourself in a state of disallowing. There is not something wrong with you, nor is there something wrong with one who is not loving you. You are all just, in the moment, practicing the art of not allowing, or the art of resisting." Abraham-Hicks

Solar Eclipse, New Beginnings

2008-08-01T07:40:00.000-07:00

I read an interesting blog entry today from What's Up On Planet Earth about today's full solar eclipse and what it means for our personal power.

"A full solar eclipse (and new moon) will occur on August 1, 2008, and although it will not be visible to experience in every geographical area, it will affect us all none-the-less. The solar eclipse occurring at this juncture in our spiritual evolutionary path will highlight and support a new beginning with the end of a certain amount of resistance from opposing forces.

Meaning what exactly? If you have been trying to move forward with your purpose, project, or much of anything else for that matter, the advent of the total solar eclipse will assist you in paving a much more clear and uncluttered path."

Perspective

2008-07-16T09:13:00.000-07:00

I've got pictures to post and a lot to catch up on, but no time today. I will leave you with something I have been thinking about--perspective.

"Interestingly, koi, when put in a fish bowl, will only grow up to three inches. When this same fish is placed in a large tank, it will grow to about nine inches long. In a pond koi can reach lengths of eighteen inches. Amazingly, when placed in a lake, koi can grow to three feet long. The metaphor is obvious. You are limited by how you see the world." --Vince Poscente

Almost anniversary of the blog

2008-06-17T15:52:00.000-07:00

It's been just over two years since I started the blog. In looking through old posts, I see that I don't write nearly as often as I once did. It was fun for me to look back over what has happened--all the changes in me-- in the last couple of years. It also makes me very aware of the power of intention.

I read through posts about new beginnings--choosing my internship site without having a single backup, looking for an office space, adopting Luna, the trials and joys of starting my practice. It's good for me to have this space to reflect. I realize that I miss it.

Even if I don't write about big things--more and more, it's about the dogs or little adventures--there are posts about books I love and things on my mind. I hope that I will be able to write more here in the future.

As luck would have it

2008-06-09T12:24:00.000-07:00

As luck would have it, we decided at the last minute to go to NC using B's free airline tickets. It would be when we are in a small town in NC on the beach...that we get an offer on the house.

:)

Time out

2008-05-20T15:37:00.000-07:00

I am so very thankful for having so many new clients.

And for having a writing job to earn some extra money.

And for getting the house ready to put on the market--whatever comes from it. It looks fantastic! I am trying to be open about whatever comes and believe that all things happen for a reason.

All of that being said, it has really been a rough few weeks and my energy has felt really scattered. I have been running, running, running.

This afternoon, I passed another milestone. I finished preparation for and gave a 10 minute speech. Although I got nervous, it went much better (and quicker) than I had anticipated. There are lots of business things I need to do (and prob. should do) right now before going back to the office to see clients. I've got calls to follow up on, referrals to make. The writing project is still looming. Not to mention that I need to print out new intake and disclosure forms, because (and I'm so happy about this) I have even more new clients coming in this week.

Instead, I'm going to take my own advice--and go for a walk in this beautiful sunshine, take time to recharge, and count all of my blessings!

The world opening up

2008-05-01T14:30:00.000-07:00

After my last post, I have two new clients! I don't know exactly what's happening, but the world seems to be opening up. I must be doing something right. I think it has to do with letting go of struggling and worrying about finances. Who knows, maybe being open to selling the house to support my passion is paying off! I am elated. I am so grateful! And each time, it has come as such a wonderful surprise! The better it gets, the better it gets.

I also happened to help someone get a job with Examiner.com and as a result, she thanked me in an e-mail she sent out to her rather large personal network. The thing is, I was just trying to help connect two people I thought would be a good fit--and having a complete stranger seek me out and introduce herself as a result was icing on the cake. When you are following your heart, things begin to flow.

I'm sitting in gratitude.

I am so grateful!

2008-04-28T20:32:00.001-07:00

I got a call this afternoon from my absolute favorite client. (I know you are not supposed to favor certain clients over others, but I have to be honest that she touched my heart in a very special way). She is a young girl I saw during my internship. She looked me up (what is it, six months after leaving?). I felt so privileged to work with her when I did. And now to get a call out of the blue, I feel like a little kid and am bursting at the seams with joy.

I'm trying to be patient and yet I can't wait to call her to set up an appointment. I am getting clients from all over--and when I least expect it. The universe works in mysterious ways. I feel so very lucky to do this work--and I am seeing abundance all around me.

That in itself is a bit ironic, considering that for the last couple of weeks, B and I have been working on the house to get it ready to put on the market. It's funny, even with letting go of something that has been a huge source of comfort, I feel more optimistic about the future--and I feel that I am making the best possible decision at this point--one that honors my dreams and will help me reach them.

I just have to believe that we will find the perfect place to live--that is comforting to us and a wonderful home to the dogs.

Thank you universe for supporting me in all ways!

A quote for today from A-H

2008-04-28T17:43:00.000-07:00

Worthiness, in very simple terms, means I have found a way to let the Energy reach me, the Energy that is natural, reach me. Worthiness, or unworthiness, is something that is pronounced upon you by you. You are the only one that can deem yourself worthy or unworthy. You are the only one who can love yourself into a state of allowing, or hate yourself in a state of disallowing. There is not something wrong with you, nor is there something wrong with one who is not loving you. You are all just, in the moment, practicing the art of not allowing, or the art of resisting.

Excerpted from a workshop in Kansas City, MO on Saturday, July 22nd, 2000

Good news..bad news...

2008-04-14T23:35:00.000-07:00

The good--no the great--news is that I got a call from a new client today and she's coming in later this week. This time, it had absolutely nothing to do with networking. It was just me, being fully me --learning as much as I can about others and different aspects of spirituality. It's so exciting. :)

I wanted to lead with the positive. But I spent at least 6 hours today doing my taxes. B. had said he could do them for me in less than an hour. Somehow, I doubt even he would have been able to do them in such short time.

I don't qualify for the $600 rebate or the life-long learning credit (although I did get other deductions). In the end, I don't have to pay anything, which is good. And I'm glad they are done...ahead of time. Aside from when I've had an accountant file for me, I don't think I've been done with taxes early before. (My true nature as a horrible procrastinator is showing again!)

Lighten up. Play more. Laugh more

2008-04-08T21:42:00.000-07:00

I have been having a particularly hard day today. It's one of those days that I keep beating myself up. And all I wanted to do was come home and cuddle with the dogs--but sadly they were soaking wet from the rain. I came across this quote and it lightened my spirit a little.

You are the creator of your own experience. Be easy about all of this. Life is supposed to be fun. Lighten up. Play more. Laugh more. Make more fun of more things. Hang around with people who make you laugh. Go to places that make you feel good. Make the best of every situation. Look for the positive aspects of where you live. Look for things to do. Keep your mind busy. Focus upon things that feel good. Bring many people into your life. Make more decisions in every day. Have fun with all of this. Life is supposed to be fun. You are the directors of Energy—and your thought is the process by which you direct. There is so much love here for you. We are complete. Abraham-Hicks

I'll meet you there.

2008-03-26T12:39:00.000-07:00

Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing
and rightdoing there is a field.
I'll meet you there.
When the soul lies down in that grass
the world is too full to talk about.
Ideas, language, even the phrase each other
doesn't make any sense.

Rumi

Quote for Today

2008-03-26T12:14:00.000-07:00

The basis of your life is absolute freedom, the goal is joy, and the result of that perfect combination is motion forward, or growth. Your goal is to find objects of attention that let your cork raise. Abraham-Hicks

Taking care of me

2008-03-13T10:27:00.001-07:00

It has been a week of lessons for me so far. Wow. I am amazed by the learning that is taking place. I met with a Naturopath who I know will be a great partner and colleague. There was just someone so beautiful about the connection we shared. I also got my first potential referral from a doctor! Today there were several things I was supposed to do this morning, but I came down with a fever last night and made the choice to just stay home and take care of myself. It feels wonderful.

Reiki

2008-03-10T21:36:00.000-07:00

I don't have much time or energy to write tonight. However, I just wanted to share a couple of things. I went to an amazing workshop led by energy intuitive Marie Manuchehri this past weekend and graduated as a Reiki Master. I can now incorporate this in my work with clients. I love working with Marie. I came to find out about her work through a professional colleague of mine, who said she was not sure why, but had a strong feeling that I needed to meet Marie. The first time I met her, I also instinctively knew she'd be a powerful teacher for me. The weekend was packed with amazing learning and connection with some very special healers. So that's the first bit of extraordinary news.

The second is that my session tonight with my clients went a lot smoother. I felt at ease about asking for and receiving payment, bringing up difficult subjects, and working out a plan for treatment. I did not go in with any expectations other than just being myself and remaining present for my clients.

Yes, I'm listening

2008-03-04T19:01:00.000-08:00

My last session was...difficult. A close friend of mine pointed out that, perhaps, I was being a bit hard on myself. (That has been my pattern in the past, hasn't it?). I have been doing a lot of reflection about the session--and difficult topics coming to surface for my clients and me failing are not the same thing. In fact, maybe it is the exact opposite of failing. I remember a professor I greatly admire suggesting that exploring the difference in pain and damage/hurt and harm would be valuable for me as a practitioner. I know, personally, that sometimes looking at painful issues can result in unprecedented growth. However, when I am part of the uncovering, bringing the elephant in the room to light, it remains difficult to watch as my clients touch their own pain.

After a night going over the session in my mind, and not sleeping very well, I was lucky enough to go to a spiritual empowerment group today at East West Bookshop. I was in awe at the connection and incredible energy this group shared. As each person went around the circle and spoke, I heard several clear messages. One of them, which I have been receiving in many ways, is that I need to start speaking my full truth and not holding back. When it came to the person beside me, my experience shifted. I became overwhelmed with a strong pain in my stomach and an ache in my heart that was almost unbearable. What is different is that when she was finished and asked for help, I shared what was going on for me, in my body, and asked her outright about her pain.

It was a big step for me, and it proved to be the right thing. As scary as it was for me to listen and act upon my intuition, the woman and several other people thanked me for sharing. This was a huge lesson for me. I wasn't thinking about my practice; I wasn't thinking about who was in the room; I wasn't thinking about what anyone would think about about me. I was simply being of service, because I could feel the woman's pain. I was getting signals so strong that if I suppressed them, I knew I would leave feeling sick. So it's almost by default that I said what I did, and then something beautiful happened. As a group, we all felt a release and a sense of healing. I don't think it was me who did anything. It was just allowing energy to flow through me. But being in that state of allowing felt new to me.

This group was amazing. I feel privileged to have been a part of it. And I am so grateful for the messages I am receiving. I'm grateful, too, that--finally--I am listening.

I get up. I walk. I fall down. Meanwhile, I keep dancing...

2008-03-03T21:29:00.000-08:00

Tonight I had my first session with a couple that I found on my own. No referral. Just me, marketing myself. And I was able to ask for my full fee, a first for me, because all my previous clients had a predetermined fee based on a sliding scale.

Luckily, having my internship in private practice helped me prepare for some of the business aspects. In the past, it has been more difficult asking for payment for therapy than it has been for other work that's less connected to my heart. I look forward to this changing.

The session was difficult and there was a lot uncovered. Once things are released and out in the open, then healing can begin. I'm excited about the progress we made and have another appointment set up next week. I am trusting that just being myself is enough.

I am thrilled to have the opportunity to practice once again. To get up, fall down, but most of all, thrilled to dance.

Relax, trust, and just be

2008-02-29T10:01:00.000-08:00

I am seeing the first of many many new clients on Monday. I am very excited and am setting the intention of just relaxing and being present. It is a couple, and I love working with couples. I love that sense of deep connection with others and feel privileged to hear stories that are close to the hearts of my clients.

I have been asking to trust more...and this week I have seen some changes. I went to a family constellation workshop on Friday and did a very unusual 10 minute constellation of my own. And last week I had some energy work done. I can feel the movement in my body and in my spirit.

What a beautiful day!

I found another quote

2008-02-26T10:29:00.000-08:00

...on the same subject. This one is from a cup of Yogi Tea last night. How cool is it to find inspiring quotes on your tea bag?

"Gratitude opens the door to abundance."

Gratitude

2008-02-19T14:24:00.000-08:00

I came across this quote and thought it was lovely.

"Gratitude opens a crack in consciousness
that lets grace in."

~ Harry Palmer ~

Moments strung together

2008-02-12T16:01:00.000-08:00

B. and I are celebrating three wonderful years together today. Not only is it our three-year anniversary, but it is also a (number) 3 day. Three happens to be both his and my favorite number. I think it's fitting because the number three is about creativity and self expression. It is also a number of possibility.

I went to the office for a while to do some work and was looking back though pictures and thinking about the special moments we have shared. Of course there have been difficult moments, too, especially during the last year while I was in school and at my internship.

What I saw in the pictures was a lot of joy. A lot of love. A great deal of laghter.

Before he got up this morning, I watched him as he lay sleeping. In that moment, time stood still.

There was no striving to be somewhere else, no thoughts about what tomorrow may bring. It was simply peacful. I thought of nothing else than how it felt to be there, in the quiet, to relish in the moment.

Life is pure adventure

2008-02-06T20:24:00.000-08:00

"Life is pure adventure and the sooner we realize that, the quicker we will be able to treat life as art...we need to remember that we are created creative and can invent new scenarios as frequently as they are needed." ~Maya Angelou

I feel blessed that in the past few days I have been able to remember the fact that life is adventure. I am still in the same financial situation I was a few weeks ago, but something for me is shifting, I hope permanently. I am networking and meeting so many amazing people. I'm actively trying to build my practice and attract clients. But I'm doing something different (different for me, anyway).

I don't feel as if I am in the game of trying harder and harder right now. I realize that allowing things to unfold is actually so much more effective.

Part of this for me is getting in touch with my own spirituality. I'm finding resources coming out of nowhere. Each person I meet somehow teaches me something. I'm making connections and am amazed about the synchronicity of events. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

Welcome home...

2008-02-02T11:47:00.000-08:00

We had a fabulous time in Mexico. It was a little hard to come back to the cold, although it did rain quite a bit when we were there.

On the day we took the ferry to Cozumel, there was a big storm. Several times, it seemed as if the boat was going to tip. On the way there, we sat in the back so we wouldn't get sea sick. (They were handing out bags to all the passengers on the boat). We ended up getting soaked. Without a change of clothes, it was very, very cold walking around in the rain. We bought a couple of shirts from a small shop--a hand embroidered traditional shirt for me and a soccer shirt for B with the colors of the Mexican flag. Those shirts saved us. We had a lot of fun on our little adventure in the rain.

Another highlight was seeing the Mayan ruins of Coba. We had a little adventure the day we went, because we decided to rent a jeep and drive to the ruins. They were about two hours from Playa Del Carmen and we got to see a few small villages on the way.

Built between two lakes during the Classic Period (600-900 A.D.) it was at one time a very large city spread over 80 square kilometers. The main pyramid, Nohoch Mul meaning 'large hill', is 42 meters tall (138 feet) and is the highest in the Yucatan peninsula.

We first rented bikes and took a leisurly ride through the other smaller ruins. I knew if I walked the 3+ miles there, it would be unlikely I would be able to climb the pyramid with my ankle still hurting. It took me a long time to get up, and even longer to climb down, but I did it. The views from the top were spectacular.

We spent the sunny days sitting on the beach and reading. And for 15 glorious minutes, we went parasailing and got to fly above the coast. That was so much fun. I'm so thankful that we got to go.

Thunder and lightning

2008-01-30T10:01:00.000-08:00

"Thunder is good, thunder is impressive," wrote Mark Twain. "But it is the lightning that does the work." According to my analysis of the omens, Cancerian, your job right now is to be like the lightning, even if other people's thunder is temporarily hogging the credit and the attention. It may take a while, but your bolts of pure energy, not their noisy hype, will ultimately be appreciated as the most important factor in the group success." -From Free Will Astrology

I joined a women's networking group yesterday and had to give a 5-min speech about myself. I felt a little out of place with all of these high-powered business women from Bellevue. And I was so nervous, I could feel my voice shaking during my "speech."

When I read my horoscope this morning, it gave me words for how I felt. I don't have the energy of thunder, hardly. It's important for me to remember that just being myself is enough. I don't have to sell myself. I just need to show my warmth and personality. That's enough. And I believe that if I can relax into that space, bring my full self forward, then others will feel my energy and my passion for what I do.

The networking group is hosting a new member orientation this afternoon. I'm going to try to just be myself and let the universe take care of the rest.

Law of attraction

2008-01-29T10:32:00.000-08:00

Hi all
I've been away for a while and have been meaning to write. I've been immersing myself in scheduling appointments with doctors and networking. Today I'm going to a women's networking meeting for small businesses. I need to give a short 5 min speech on what I do (aggghhhh).I can't say that I like these things, (actually, they are about my least favorite things in the world), but I'm trying to approach it from a different perspective. I am doing all I can on my part and am looking forward to the universe meeting me in unknown ways. Lately, I have been reading a lot about the law of attraction. I've been interested in this for a while, but now the desire to integrate the intellectual ideas into my life is very strong. There are some resources that I've found very helpful: choosingprosperity.com, http://www.emofree.com/, and http://www.hayhouseradio.com/. And the best part: they are free!

I'll post some pictures from Mexico soon with some highlights from our trip.

Playa Del Carmen

2008-01-13T12:03:00.000-08:00

I am so excited about Mexico. It will be so much fun. So today, I'm packing, looking for my sunglasses and sunscreen, and thinking about visiting Mayan ruins.

It feels great

2008-01-11T10:24:00.000-08:00

Last night I went to a workshop on conscious language. In the beginning, I wanted to attend the event, because I thought it would be a good place to network and get my name out. The teachings of conscious language are (for the most part) in line with my beliefs, so I thought I would find like-minded people. When I got there, it didn't really seem appropriate to introduce myself, much less to tell people about my practice.

The evening turned out to be informative and interesting. The last time I went to a conscious language meeting was almost two years ago, when I first started school. I could see how much I have grown, and how the ideas of universal energy, connectedness, and deliberate creation are much more present in my mind. I could also see many of the tools we learned in school through conversations with others.

Because it has been such a long time, what stood out the most was my increased ability to access and act upon my intuition. One of the participants was asking the facilitator and the group for help with a problem. I could so clearly hear where to go. It was as if I could fast forward through where he was stuck and see the resolution he was searching for. I didn't want to intrude on the facilitator, but asked if it was o.k. to respond to him.

By this time, luckily, I had all but given up on the idea of networking and was just myself--talking about books and ideas and what my intuition was telling me. I cam from a humble place and said that sometimes I just hear things. Was it o.k. to share? Yes.

It felt great to be a part of something. Honestly, I started to question myself and whether I said too much. (I guess I'm still fighting that demon).

The meeting went on and was ending more than an hour late. I finally had to excuse myself to leave when it got close to 10:30. When I did, the man I was 'helping' followed me. He said he wanted to tell me that I had wonderful, peaceful, healing energy. This was a relative stranger!

I told him about my practice and how much it meant to me that he said something. He said that he could feel it from across the room and wanted to let me know how it had affected him. That I radiated warmth, caring, and understanding. My eyes began to water at this point. I so needed to hear that. After not seeing clients for a while and worrying about the practice, it was so affirming for a stranger to be so moved simply by my presence, by me just being myself. It gave me encouragement.

Once I meet people I know the practice will take off. I don't know if this man will ever contact me himself. Maybe he will. Maybe he won't. I am positive, however, that if anyone tells him they are looking for a therapist, he will say that he knows one.

What's more important than the possibility of a referral is how wonderful it felt to be of service again. I'm still high from it. I love this work!

2008

2008-01-06T16:27:00.000-08:00

Lately so much has transpired. I've been doing a great deal of reflection, trying to sort through the emotions of graduating, starting the practice, setting goals for what I would like to Manifest in 2008.

I had an interesting experience. I gave my best friend the exact book that she gave me--The Astonishing Power of Emotions by Jerry and Esther Hicks. It was a little like the Gift of the Magi (one of my all-time favorite books). I really wanted the book, which came with an accompanying CD, but I thought it would be extravagant to get for myself. Apparently, my friend felt the same way. We laughed pretty hard that first of all we got it for each other and then we chose to not buy it for ourselves even though we really wanted to read it. The irony!

I have been enjoying reading it as well as other books (my favorite gifts this year) from my father and B. I just have to say that one of them, Being a Wealthy Therapist--How to Make a Living Making a Difference (which ironically has an excerpt from Jerry and Esther Hicks) has really helped me think about my business in a new way. It has helped me begin to change my feelings of worry/doubt to abundance and gratitude.

Where was I going? Oh yes, I remember. My first client contacted me to postpone our session due to financial constraints. Instead of letting it spin me out of control, I took a deep breath.

I realized that if I come from a place of abundance and believe that I have many, many clients coming my way, then I do not need to let myself become overwhelmed. My client will come back when she is able. I just need to concentrate on the things I can do and allow myself to relax.

I am going on vacation in a couple of weeks, which will really help (B. and I both have free tickets to Mexico from FF miles). When I come back, I truly believe my clients will be waiting for me.

I was grateful for my horoscope this morning, because it reinforced this message.

You may want to pull back behind your wall of protection so you don't get washed away by the tides of change that are again breaking onto the shores of your awareness. You might think that you've lost your chance to take action, but this isn't true. You are not defeated. You are simply being given time to tie up loose emotional ends before launching into the next cycle in a few weeks.
By Rick Levine

Exactly what I wanted

2007-12-30T19:34:00.000-08:00

B.'s mom was so kind to send me a gift card for T.J. Max. I wasn't able to find any clothes that I liked. However, after contemplating buying a few things that I didn't need and honestly didn't want, I thought I should at least take a peek in the kitchen section.

I found a Cuisinart Enameled Cast Iron 7 Quart Casserole Pan similar to the Le Creuset one I have been coveting. I am thrilled. The pan is the one thing that I really wanted for Christmas. To test it out, I'm making a herb roasted chicken tonight with fresh thyme and vegetables.

It's one more thing to add to my gratitude list.

Merry Christmas

2007-12-25T20:18:00.000-08:00

We had a wonderful day today. I'm so thankful for my family, our wonderful dogs, and much, much more.

Here are a couple of pictures--one of Luna being impatient, wanting to play with her new toy (a squeaky stuffed duck). It's not a squirrel, but she loves it. I wanted to get a picture of her in front of the tree, but she didn't want to have much to do with that. She gave me a look that said, "Are we done yet? I want to play!"

The other picture is of Luna giving me a Christmas kiss.

May your year be filled with light, laugher, and love.

Merry Christmas Eve

2007-12-24T13:46:00.000-08:00

So far it's been a fabulous Christmas Eve day. We slept in, had a great healthy breakfast, and then took the dogs to the park and they played and played.

When I got home, I found a package of something I had ordered, and we got several Christmas cards in the mail.

Plus, the weather is fantastic.

Merry Christmas to everyone!

Blogging Software

2007-12-23T19:33:00.000-08:00

I'm evaluating a multi-media course on blogging from the folks at Simpleology. For a while, they're letting you snag it for free if you post about it on your blog.

It covers:

The best blogging techniques.
How to get traffic to your blog.
How to turn your blog into money.

I'll let you know what I think once I've had a chance to check it out. Meanwhile, go grab yours while it's still free.

Thank You! Hay House Radio

2007-12-21T22:53:00.000-08:00

I recently discovered Hay House Radio, which offers streaming of interesting topics. Several of the authors and spiritual healers I admire have weekly shows. I've also discovered that there are archived podcasts of Doreen Virtue, Jerry and Ester Hicks, Louise Hay, Wayne Dyer , Denise Linn, Carolyn Myss, Marianne Williamson, and many others. Right now, I'm listening to Glynis McCants speak about numerology (one of my favorite topics). How wonderful this is! Granted there are a lot of commercials for all the authors that publish under Hay House, but I think it's great that this content is available for free.

There are speakers on Feng Shui, deliberate creation, soul coaching, The Course in Miracles, the law of attraction, self-care, as well as many other topics that are good for therapists and counselors. Actually, most all of these authors seem to have started out as therapists, which shows me that it's possible to do this as a profession and to be incredibly successful. I'm trying to stay positive and not worry about how it will happen.

A little hope

2007-12-20T13:02:00.000-08:00

"It doesn't matter how long we may have been stuck in a sense of our limitations. If we go into a darkened room and turn on the light, it doesn't matter if the room has been dark for a day, a week, or ten thousand years - we turn on the light and it is illuminated. Once we control our capacity for love and happiness, the light has been turned on." -- Sharon Salzberg

Yeah!!!

2007-12-11T18:13:00.000-08:00

It's official. I'm done.

Last night was a wonderful celebration. And now I'm excited (and, honestly, a little scared) about what's to come.

When I came home, I saw the beautiful potted flowers B.'s parents sent as congratulations. They will be a nice addition to the office.

I just need to remember to slow down, as Cheryl cautioned during her key note speech. Slow down, and savor this unique moment.

Like magic

2007-12-05T18:51:00.000-08:00

I picked up my keys yesterday afternoon after signing the lease. I could hardly wait to look for furniture.

B. took me to several stores today and was so helpful. We went to Macy's Discount Furniture (my brother and I found some great deals there before on really nice pieces). It turns out Macy's was having a rug sale and offering 0 interest for 6 months. At first, I was thinking of buying one large couch, but with the angles in the office, that would have looked strange.

I found a love seat that I loved! Well, actually two of them. I have always wanted a red couch for my home, but was looking for something more neutral for the office. But because of the layout and the skylight in the office, I knew right away that they would work.

Joyce, the woman at the store, used to work as a designer and provided exceptional advice. Considering that the office is small, having two love seats makes more sense. Plus, because the love seats were surplus from a discontinued line, they were never used as floor models and were still in the packaging.

We looked through the rugs and of course I immediately set my eyes on a beautiful hand-knotted rug, which turned out to be one of the most expensive in the store at around $3,000. (Joyce remarked that I've got great taste. I might agree, but the rug was a little to the far side of feasible). So, I looked through the synthetic rugs and didn't see a single thing.

And then while "just looking" through a stack of very nice wool and silk rugs, I found one that would look great with the love seats. It had a small superficial cut on the backing of the rug. Because of the cut (which you can't see at all) and the sale, the rug was marked down more than $1,000.

After a short trip to Ikea, where we saw furniture for about the same price that paled (literally) in comparison, we returned to purchase the furniture only to find out that Macy's would not be able to deliver the furniture for a few weeks. That's when Joyce told us about Steve, an eccentric man who runs a private delivery service. After harassing me on the phone and asking for free therapy sessions (kidding), Steve said he could deliver the furniture today.

I must have had magic on my side, because the furniture was delivered seamlessly; I got stuff that is perfect for the space (at a really, really great price); and I don't have to worry about interest or payments for a while. The Gods must have been smiling on me. There are still several thing I need to get for the office: a locking file cabinet, a desk, floor lamps, etc. But for now, I have all I need to start seeing clients--well except for a second line for my cell phone, so that I can put the new number on my business cards. I'm hoping to take care of that tomorrow.

I'm so very excited! I feel like Colbie Caillat in the song Bubbly.

"And it starts in my toes
Makes me crinkle my nose.."

Making history

2007-12-03T16:15:00.000-08:00

After hours and hours of driving through the pouring rain and flooded streets to get to Bastyr, there was even more news of flooding when I got home. Today's almost 4 inches of rainfall make it the second highest in Seattle history. Out of curiosity, I wanted to see what Seattle's annual rainfall was and so looked it up on Wikepedia.com.

I didn't find what I was looking for, but I learned something else--Seattle was raked the most literate city in the country in a research study by Central Connecticut State University. Census Bureau data also shows Seattle to be the mot educated city in the U.S. with close to 50% of those over 25 having completed a bachelor's degree or higher.

I love to read. All of my friends love to read. And I've always considered myself lucky to live in a place with many forward-thinking individuals. So, I guess it shouldn't come as a big surprise how much importance people here place on learning and self-improvement.

I guess I'm a little proud--not of the number of people with formal degrees (although I value higher education myself, I don't think intelligence and higher education are synonymous). I'm proud of the love of learning that seems to be a value of this city.

New Snow

2007-12-01T17:01:00.000-08:00

With the snow storm, B. and I decided to take the dogs to Martha Washington Park to play in the snow. Unfortunately, because it's lower in elevation, there was no snow. We decided to risk going up the very steep hill to Graham Elementary. We had so much fun. Here's a picture of the two of them.

After coming in from the cold, I made a delicious vegetable soup from scratch.

It's been a wonderful Saturday, with nothing more on the agenda besides watching corny movies on cable.

Patience

2007-11-30T09:14:00.001-08:00

It's exciting to be done. There were a number of tears yesterday, but I feel so good about the future. I got the draft of my lease today, but then I couldn't open it. Patience!!! I emailed the administrative assistant back and asked her to resend it.

I went out with Nick and B. last night. We had a lot of fun. I'm very thankful that they get along well. They work together well and are slowly becoming friends of sort.

It's a good day today.

Chapter 1

2007-11-28T16:41:00.001-08:00

Today is my last "official" day at my internship, though I will come in tomorrow to say goodbye to everyone. I am ready to move on--and I am so very thankful for all that I have learned here.

Many things happened in such a serendipitous way today. I am feeling like everything is on track. I think part of it was just me needing to let go of the old in order to embrace what's new.

Writing summaries for all the clients I saw during the past year was good for me. It let me reflect on the progress so many of them have made. It is all about the work and effort they have put in--not mine. However it still makes me happy that I was a part of the process. It is wonderful to see people grow, play a small part in helping them realize their goals, and just to watch them...blossom.

I'm feeling less scared about stepping out into the world and more excited about what's to come.

At this very moment, the lease is being drafted for my new office space.:)

~The End~

Life is

2007-11-27T12:56:00.000-08:00

"Life is a process of becoming..." ~Anais Nin

I rejoice in life. I trust in the process.

2007-11-27T12:32:00.000-08:00

My ankle is taking longer than I anticipated to heal. (Ironically, the doctors said it would take a substantial amount of time, but I guess sometimes I'm a bit stubborn and thought it would heal sooner).

So many things are coming to an end, some in dramatic ways. This week is the last week of my internship. I also found out that LIOS is not moving forward with full integration with Bastyr, which is a little startling.

I've been frustrated that my injury came at this time. I looked up ankles and sprains in You Can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay. It says that leg and feet problems, "indicate a fear of moving forward or a reluctance to move forward in a certain direction." Our feet also have to do with our understanding, "our understanding of ourselves and life--past present, and future."

At this stage, where I am on the brink of transitioning into a whole new life, this makes sense. It also makes sense that it forces me to slowdown when in all honesty, otherwise I probably wouldn't.

These are the two affirmations that Louise Hay recommends:

I rejoice in life. I accept all the pleasure life has to offer.

I trust the process of life to take me only to my highest good. I am at peace.

When I read the second one, I burst out laughing. It is so perfect for what I've been struggling with lately.

I could sit and write all afternoon. But today, I need to calculate my hours for my last six months at my internship and write summaries for each and every client I've seen this past year. It will be a late night, but I guess I miss that just a little.

I put an application in for Madison Center West. I have a wonderful feeling about having an office there. I can't wait to start picking out furniture and decorating.

My wish list...

2007-11-25T10:37:00.000-08:00

I've been dreaming of having a Le Creuset pan--a large one to make stews and roasts and other scrumptious meals in. They are amazing, but very expensive. I read on another blog that an aspiring cook coveted them so, she inspired the company to send her a complete set. How lucky is that? The color? French Blue, Sapphire, or Sonoma Blue. There are so many things I can imagine cooking. I get all excited just thinking about it.

Le Creuset has been the mainstay of French chefs as long as anyone can remember. Since 1925, the skilled craftsmen at Le Creuset have perfected enameled cast iron cookware. Each shape is one of a kind, made from molten steel and cast in a unique mold, and then expertly enameled. No other procedure yields cookware that so evenly distributes heat, browns and caramelizes food to perfection, and creates a masterpiece at the table.

The benefits to this cookware's construction are many:

Cast iron distributes heat evenly and requires cooking with only low to medium temperatures

Cookware is for use with gas, electric, induction, or ceramic ranges

Flat cookware bottoms sit firmly on heat surface

Thin shell casings are light but strong

Porcelain enamel coating is easy to clean and won't absorb odors or flavors

Lids seal in moisture and flavor

Knobs are heatproof up to 450 degrees F

Small Thanks

2007-11-21T12:12:00.000-08:00

I'm getting restless, having been cooped up for the last few days. I had to cancel all my appointments today, as I'm still unable to be on my feet for more than a few minutes. Last night was a very difficult night. I was thinking the pain would get better, not worse.

Yet, even though I am having a difficult time, I'm aware of all there is to be thankful for. This is just a temporary situation for me. All in all, I'm lucky to have my health and be surrounded by people I love and who love me.

On Monday morning, there was a knock on the door. To my surprise, when I looked outside there was a beautiful bouquet of flowers. They were from my big brother and are a constant reminder that I'm not alone.

I'm looking forward to spending tomorrow with my father, brother, and B. I'm so grateful that they are comfortable around each other. B. told me how much he's looking forward to spending the day together, which made me really happy.

Now, about that cranberry sauce...

My horoscope for today

2007-11-19T14:26:00.000-08:00

Your feelings may be too erratic today to easily share with others, possibly leaving you in an agitated frame of mind. But don't let yourself become trapped by your own fears. Getting outside for a walk in the city or in nature, if possible, can be just the catalyst you need to help you move through your current emotional stew.
By Rick Levine

This is perfect for how I am feeling. The only drawback--that I'm not able to go out for a walk in nature.

Receiving, Thanksgiving

2007-11-18T15:21:00.001-08:00

I went to a family constellation yesterday that was led by all of the students who are graduating from the intensive facilitator training. Sadly, I did not get to work on what I had wanted to personally. But it was good to see Mark and to have my energy used in the service of others. Someone gave me a huge compliment, too. One of the participants asked if I was a facilitator along with Mark. The woman said I was very good at it and seemed comfortable. I know I have a gift for this work, but it just felt so good to hear from a stranger she could see that in me. At the beginning, we each said two words--one for how we were feeling and then a word for what we would like to leave with. My words were overwhelmed and receiving. Later, in retrospect, I realized that my second word wasn't quite right. I think I wanted to feel belief. Belief that everything will be o.k. Belief in myself and my ability as a therapist--especially with going out and setting up my own practice. I did leave feeling far less overwhelmed (you can't really do that kind of work and stay entangled in your own crap for very long) and with stronger belief in the abundance of the universe, stronger belief in my abilities.

Something happened this morning that really changed things for me, or at least how I might look at my two words. I was going downstairs to let Luna out and I slipped, fell down the stairs, missed a few steps, and then I heard the loudest noise as I fell to the ground.

I have not felt that much pain in a long time. I had tears streaming down my face when B. came to see what had happened. I thought that for sure I had broken my ankle. After I calmed down enough to get dressed, we went to the E.R. at Swedish. The good news is that my ankle is not broken, but it is sprained very badly.

In the hospital, a picture flashed in front of me. Graduation. Me walking across the stage on crutches. (I hope it heals sooner, but the doctor said it would be a min. of 6-10 weeks.) So, I will be completely dependent on B. for a while. This was not exactly what I meant by receiving. I was thinking more along the lines of openness--and belief that the universe will keep me safe and provide for me, even though I have been sort of paralyzed with worry lately.

B. has been wonderful, getting my medication, staying by me for hours while we were in the hospital, helping me get around.

I realized that there is no way I can cook on Thanksgiving. I called my brother and he made me laugh. "I suppose you want me to come and cook a big turkey dinner for you?" He knows me too well. We found another solution--ordering a Thanksgiving meal from the store and just making our family's traditional cornbread stuffing and cranberry sauce. Making the cranberry sauce has been my job for as long as I remember--and I've got no intention of breaking that tradition.

So-although it may be by force-I will be slowing down in the weeks to come. There's not much else I can do.

Just sit. Be patient.Take time accept where I am. Listen.

Oh--and be thankful.

Trust, now? Really?

2007-11-16T20:07:00.001-08:00

So, I finally got myself to see how selling the house was a good decision for me at this time in my life, which was really, really hard--and emotionally draining. And tonight I got a message that the couple (who had already written an offer--and come to look at the house countless times--even wanting to move forward with an inspection last weekend) decided that they wanted to wait until spring and were just not ready to move. Actually, one of them was set on the house and on moving. The other one just went through losing a personal friend to Cancer and seemed to want some stability in her life--to stay where she's at--and I can understand that.

It just seems like the universe is messing with me a bit.

I feel like I'm back in a phase of my life--where my life lessons come in a major way. I don't know if the stakes have to be severe in order for me to pay attention? To really commit to a new way of being? The whole thing with trust is something I have been working on for quite some time. Trust in myself. Trust in the universe. Now, the stakes are higher than ever. The funny thing is that I thought I had moved past this--where life lessons could be learned and didn't have to be gut-wrenchingly difficult.

When I first started upon this journey to become a counselor years ago after a series of serious accidents, I remember it was much more difficult to really believe that all things happen for a reason. I remember a time when I could not leave my apartment, could not walk down the stairs, and really did not know how I would support myself. At that time, believing that we attract circumstances and people into our lives for our own learning seemed hard to fathom.

I feel like I am being asked to trust with absolutely no net of safety. I don't know how I'm going to make upcoming mortgage payments. And yet I need to invest in my future. I need to sign a lease for my office. I need to move forward--and move forward without having the option of going back to a world and a life I no longer believe in. I guess with the couple deciding not to buy the house, I have to believe that I will be o.k., that I will do well. That although I do not have the answers as to how, the universe will somehow take care of me.

I'm committed to trusting.
I'm committed to taking this time to see how my thoughts are affecting the outcome.
I'm committed to following this path, however scary.

The perfect little house...

2007-11-16T16:41:00.001-08:00

I saw the most adorable house for rent today. It was just so cute. If the timing is right and the couple who looked at the house makes an offer, I'd rent it in a heartbeat. It's perfect for B. and I--a little smaller than our house, gets so much light, and even has a little island kitchen block, tile, a claw-foot tub, a gas stove (for great home-cooked meals) and a little meditation room. How perfect is that! Plus, it's in Seward Park. :)

Japanese Maples

2007-11-11T19:21:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was a wonderful day. After sleeping in, B. and I went to a local Bonsai Nursery to look for trees for the planter boxes outside. We ended up buying a couple of Japanese Maple trees--one yellow and one red "Pixie". We spent the afternoon planting them, which was a lot of work. In the end, it was well worth the effort.

I said to him that I wasn't sure if planting my very favorite trees in the world was such a good idea when we are thinking of selling the house.

But they do look wonderful.

When I first bought the house, I had intended to scatter some of my mom's ashes in the back yard where the Magnolia tree is. But for some reason, that has never happened. When we were almost done planting the maple trees, I thought about how good it felt to be leaving part of myself here. There was so much joy in planting the trees with B. by my side. I decided to scatter a handful of my mom's ashes next to the yellow Japanese Maple.

Even if we do sell this house, it has been very good to me. It makes me happy to think about the tree in 20 years. Beautiful colors. Leaves blowing in the wind. A small piece of me--and of my mom--that will continue to live on.

Opening doors

2007-11-09T08:20:00.000-08:00

So, I'm not by any means excited about the prospect of selling the house, but in the last few days, I've been trying to see all the choice I do have and look at things in a new light. I've been thinking about the freedom I feel when thinking about having enough money not to struggle when setting up my own practice. I've been thinking about doing family constellation training and Gottman's (very expensive) certification for couples counseling. I've also been thinking about kung fu and yoga and really being free to follow wherever my heart leads me.

I'm also trying to come to terms with the fact that something better may come. Because I have a hard time believing things I can't see, this is where I get a little stuck. And then I think about how I would be as a counselor with someone in my same situation. The things I'd say! How easy it is for me to do that for my clients. Why is it so much harder to employ solution focused and similar strategies in my own life?

I checked my horoscope this morning just to see what it would say:

Though Wales is at the same latitude as Siberia, it's free of frigid tundra. Still, its climate isn't exactly balmy. Cool, cloudy, damp days are common. That's why Welsh horticulturalists cheered with shocked exultation last summer, when three outdoor banana plants produced fruit at the National Botanical Garden. It was an unprecedented miracle. I predict a comparable development for you, Cancerian. A source that has never been more than lukewarm will get downright tropical. An influence that has been inhospitable to your passion will become fertile and welcoming. As a result, you will bloom in a way you never have before.

Funny, no?

We have not seen the offer yet, but I'm thinking that because the house is not listed yet, they would at least make a full offer, maybe more.

My friend Zia--who says she doesn't really believe in fate--commented that other houses are just sitting and isn't it strange that someone is so interested in buying the house, before we even decide to list it? Maybe it is a sign.

I'm listening...

Creative Visualization

2007-11-08T18:01:00.001-08:00

Tonight, I'm taking a break to read a little before I go to a very late therapy appointment.

Months ago, I agreed to do couples counseling with my previous supervisor. The appointment is in Kent, which will be a bit of a drive. I'm hoping that it will be a good learning experience and worth the commute especially as I will be getting out after 9 tonight.

Anyways, back to the book I'm reading. It's called Creative Visualization and is actually a reprinting of a book written more than 25 years ago. So far, it's been very engaging. It's one of the several books I purchased recently to help me through this transition, where I am stepping out into the unknown.

Leap and the net will appear--I hope so!

2007-11-08T16:13:00.000-08:00

So now there are two options--the one on Madison and a Holistic Healing Center that is opening in the central district (with Bastyr graduates who have full acupuncture and ND practices). Both spots are appealing. I love the idea of being able to collaborate with others and offer complimentary services.

I'm going back to look at both tomorrow with a couple of colleagues from school. :) This is what I want.

Envisioning the freedom to take time to set up my practice and continue training in the way I want to is a huge positive if B. and I do end up selling the house. I need to change my thinking and believe that if we do sell the house, it is for very good reasons and for me to really embrace my future and my new career, I need to let go of the old.

It's funny, I'm being recruited randomly for writing positions that I'm sure have huge salaries and would enable me to keep the house--but they come with a price.

I want to do work that feeds my soul and is expanding.

Taking on contract writing jobs (even with keeping the house) would pull me in the wrong direction. And, I would only be taking them out of fear.

If I am honest with myself, I question whether or not I would be able to go back, even on a part time basis, when I feel so passionate and so much momentum about counseling.

And if I am doing what I love, then I hope that everything else will fall into place--and I won't regret my choice for a moment.

Better yet--I want to believe, really believe that I could keep the house and build the future I want doing the work that I love. That would make me very happy, I just don't know how it would work...yet.

Office space

2007-11-06T18:03:00.000-08:00

I saw an office space I really like today with a beautiful skylight and warm natural light in an area I adore. There are many therapists in the building and each floor has its own waiting room. It's more than I expected or really want to spend. I'm hoping to share it with a couple of people. I hope there is a way in which it can work out. I really believe things happen for a reason. It's on the third floor of the Madison Professional building, close to Cafe Flora and the Essential Baking Co.

I'm not ready!!!!

2007-11-05T18:56:00.000-08:00

A couple came back to look at the house today. (No, it's not even listed). I went to look at some office space and when I came back, B. told me that they really like it and are prob. going to make an offer, but will call tomorrow. I am not ready for this!

I'm sad. I don't want to sell this place, especially not yet. I enjoy making the improvements, but they just make me love this home even more. Yesterday Nick and my dad came up and helped B. make planter boxes for the front of the house much like the one pictured here.

I'm trying to have a good attitude and believe that everything happens for a reason. This is my first home, and for other reasons it means a lot to me. I'm just trying to appreciate all that I can and hope that the best will work out.

Today I am thankful

2007-11-04T18:39:00.000-08:00

For my wonderful family
That I got to go out to lunch with one of my closest friends in the world
For Luna and Koya
To have a wonderful, beautiful home--for as long as I have it
For B.
For the beautiful leaves outside
For my clients
That I have work I love to do
And much, much more

Refuge

2007-11-04T18:36:00.000-08:00

A former classmate sent a poem to me, which she read to all of our class during our last module. It really touched me, so I wanted to share it here.

I am here because there is no refuge,
Finally, from myself.
Until I confront myself in the eyes
And hearts of others, I am running.
Until I suffer them to share my secrets,
I have no safety from them.
Afraid to be known,
I can know neither myself
Nor any others; I will be alone.
Where else but on this common ground,
Can I find such a mirror?
Here, together, I can at last appear
Clearly to myself,
Not as the giant of my dreams,
Not the dwarf of my fears,
But as a person, part of a whole,
With my share in its purpose.
In this ground, I can take root and grow.
Not alone anymore, as in death,
But alive, to my self and to others.

-Richard Beauvais

Leaky faucets

2007-11-03T11:49:00.000-07:00

Why is it that after finally nearing the end of school that so many things seem to be falling apart? Maybe it's just in the way I'm looking at things, but I got a huge awakening this morning.

Leaky faucets.
Electrical problems.
And then there's my personal feeling of chaos.

Today, I'm sad.

Saying goodbye, saying hello

2007-10-30T10:15:00.000-07:00

I'm still battling a bad case of the flu--at least I hope it's that and not a bronchial infection. It has been a crazy couple of weeks, with going to Nashville for the baptism, then having our last module. I regret that I was sick the whole time--and I was not able to celebrate in the way I had intended.

It is strange to think that after two long years this journey is now over. I will still be at my internship for the month of November, but have finished my last few days of graduate school (at least this time around). We started the module on Wed. with Candidacy Assessment. It was such a wonderful experience. Other days were filled with epistemology, ethics, and self-marketing. There are no more papers to write, no more exams to take--only the task of deciding how I want to proceed. One of the most valuable exercises was a day-long session on values and purpose. Some of the questions got me thinking. What am I taking on and why? What core values do I want to bring to my work?

Everything feels like it's in slow motion for me. I don't know if that's entirely because I'm sick, or if it also has to do with making this final transition.

There were many tears, difficult goodbyes, and memories from the past two years. A dear friend of mine made a slide show that captured many such moments as a gift to our class and played it to a song called "Add to the Beauty." It was a wonderful, heartfelt, loving gift. It was also one of my favorite moments, sitting with all of my classmates on the floor watching, laughing. It's hard for me to fathom what an impact this program has had on my life--and it has filtered out and touched many others.

So, yes, it was sad. Yet, there was also this sense of anticipation in the air. Of what may not yet be before us, but what is right around the corner.

Leaving on a jetplane

2007-10-19T10:38:00.000-07:00

Today B. and I are flying to Nashville for his niece's baptism. Both of us are wishing we had a day off to ourselves before leaving. This starts a very hectic period for me, as I return from Nashville for one day to see all my clients and then have module the next day.

I'm looking forward to seeing his family though. I hope it is relaxing and fun, not stressful. It's hard to imagine that it's in the upper 70s there right now. I've gotta run finish packing.

Express yourself like a thousand-foot waterfall

2007-10-17T18:09:00.000-07:00

I had to have a very difficult conversation today with a colleague about some feedback I gave her during assessment. It really was not easy for me, but I left feeling good about it. My friend was a bit surprised that I did not take back what I had said and stood by the feedback I had given her.

It's a little funny--that conversation was more scary for me than last weekend when I was walking on our roof, tied to a rope, and precariously balancing very high in the air while painting the house. Life is funny. I just read my horoscope for this week. It is perfect:

Fee Will Astrology
You could be like a thunderstorm that rejuvenates a parched landscape. At the same time, you have the power to express yourself like a thousand-foot waterfall. Why not take advantage of both these potentials? Be both helpful and charismatic, nurturing and alluring. Be of humble service as you flout your magnificence. This is one of those grace periods when you can do good and look good and feel good. I hereby dub thee the Flow Master.

There is something beautiful and powerful about speaking the truth, my truth. Learning to do so is till a little uneasy for me. Yet, I still feel very good about the outcome of what happened and how I brought myself fully, no apologies.

Butter Tarts

2007-10-16T15:58:00.002-07:00

I've tried to make B.'s birthday as special as I can. However, it's been a little challenging, because he called an electrician yesterday to come out and look at the wiring in the living room. So, of course, the electrician came today.

It really needs to be finished today, because we are leaving for Nashville on Friday and then I have module (the last one) right after that. Yesterday in between doing my taxes I managed to get B. a nice wool sweater from Patagonia (he wears his others non-stop). But he opened it last night, as it was officially the time of his birth in Poland.

Before the electrician came, our plan was to go have breakfast at the market --crepes at a little European pastry shop. Then that turned into lunch and drinks overlooking the water. Now, it's approaching dinnertime and we are waiting patiently for the electrician to return from Home Depot with some special flexible drill bit he can use to get through the walls without hurting the original plaster in the house (from 1924).

B. has been a great sport though. I went to PCC and got us lots of treats--two kinds of soup, a caprese sandwich, fresh beets, a bottle of wine for later (Goats do Roam--you've got to love the name), and a delicious pear tart, which I happened to get a single candle for.

Tonight, once the electrician leaves, we are planning to go to Majorie's for dinner and then go see a play or comedy. We may not be doing anything adventurous today, but sometimes I love that about us. We can have such a good time just being together, not doing anything at all.

Inbox

2007-10-16T15:58:00.001-07:00

Dear TurboTax Customer,
Congratulations - the IRS has accepted your federal tax return. We recommend that you return to TurboTax to finish the e-filing process and print a copy of your return for your records. :)

Taxes are done!

2007-10-15T21:51:00.000-07:00

Doing taxes on my own--Schedule C, Schedule A, Schedule SE, Form 8829 Business Use of Home, Form 4562 Depreciation and Amortization--is not something I'm likely to ever do again.

Last year I used an amazing accountant. But, unfortunately, this year I didn't have time to get her all the information she would need to file a return in time for the extension deadline.

I've been at it for hours and hours--and I still have a slight question in my mind about whether I messed up horribly. I ended up having a large amount of deductions with medical expenses, business expenses, school tuition, and a couple of large purchases, such as my computer and extensive"reference materials". I'm sending it out to the universe that although I had to struggle my way through my taxes, that I did a fine job on them. :)

Now the taxes are out of the way--tomorrow is all about celebrating with the man I adore. He's going to turn 32. I keep joking that now he will be an "old man". I suppose it's a way for me to make light that we are a couple of years apart.
I bought the Live from the Mountain Vol. 13 today and have really been enjoying it, especially Fidelity by Regina Spektor. The album has other great artists I happen to like as well: Shawn Colvin, Ray LaMontagne, and Brandi Carlile.

Beautiful fall days

2007-10-15T14:20:00.000-07:00

After working on the house all weekend, today feels like a weekend to me--or at least I want it to be. The problem is that today I need to do my taxes, which I got an extension on and I have a ton of other things to catch up on. Tomorrow is B.'s birthday and there are a few things I need to do for that as well. It just seems like there just is not enough time right now. B. and I managed to go to breakfast yesterday, which was really nice. Here are some pictures of the beautiful fall colors and our painting adventures.

Gratitude

2007-10-12T11:53:00.000-07:00

I was a little sad this morning, because I woke up after having a horrible nightmare. It was heavily influenced by a very difficult session I had late last night. I've also been so busy this week. It's been stressful driving here for appointments, then across Seattle to the massage school, and then back to Renton and home to Seattle. Plus, B. and I had a real estate agent come look at the house a few days ago. I've been really sad--no, depressed--about the idea of selling.

I love my house. I love that the dogs have a big yard to run and play in. I love being so close to the water. I love that B. and I have our own space and that we have a beautiful bedroom and bathroom with a huge tub to relax in. I love the apples in the fall and all the different flowers that bloom in the spring. I love having my own office and many spots to curl up and read.

So, driving to work this morning, I called Lisa. I feel like I complained for 5 minutes straight. I said I needed to get into a better mood before seeing my new clients at 10:00. Lisa said to me, "At least you get to see couples" (Which I love). My session was amazing. I feel really connected to my clients and am so excited about working with them.

So right now I'm sitting with Gratitude that I get the pleasure of working with and helping couples. :) I really have so much to be thankful for in my life. I just need to remember that and not let all the little things get me down. I know it will all work out.

And while thinking about houses and moving, well wouldn't it be nice to have a house like this one, right on the water? It would be absolutely wonderful to be by the ocean...

What a nice way to start the week

2007-10-08T12:53:00.000-07:00

Today feels like Sunday, not Monday. I suppose that's because it's a holiday. B. and I slept in this morning (and still managed to get up relatively early). Then we walked to Susan's 1500 Bistro with the dogs to have breakfast. It was the perfect walk--a little less than 3 miles. All the leaves are starting to change colors and it was crisp and cool outside. Plus, I was able to show B. the location of the office space that's for rent.

I had such a great time yesterday. Lisa and I decided to stop at Lottie's to have a drink and we met B. there. It feels so good to almost be done with school and to just sit, laugh, and socialize. The three of us were laughing so hard we hardly noticed that it got dark outside. That's the shame about this time of year--not enough daylight.

It's been a whirlwind of a weekend

2007-10-07T12:12:00.000-07:00

The dogs are happy...though they are driving me crazy this weekend, or at least Luna my love is. My dad and brother came up yesterday to help with the yard, for if and when we sell the house. It was actually very sweet, my dad, who has been encouraging me to sell the house for some time said that he hopes all the work is in vein and that we don't have to sell the house. People are funny. B. and I have taken more trips to Lowe's and Home Depot this weekend than we have all year it seems. Now, he is resting before seeding the yard. I'm going to meet Lisa and walk around the city.

I had my last Pro-Sem on Thursday and so now, just have one more module, assessment, and the completion of my internship.

By the way, the office space was very nice and the woman renting turned out to be a LIOS grad. I wonder if that's a sign, I think it is a good thing. We actually sat for almost an hour just chatting.

Office Space

2007-10-05T09:33:00.000-07:00

A friend of mine found this when looking for office space for herself. She was not sure I was looking, but I am. I got very happy at the idea of having an office here, even if we do end up selling the house. I'm going to give the person subletting a call today. It feels like a lot of things are finally coming together.

Bright, large furnished office in friendly Seward Park. Ample parking. Rent and days per week are negotiable.

One step closer...

2007-10-03T13:16:00.000-07:00

Yeah! I sent the assessment package off in the mail today. It feels good to have it done. I'm so glad that I sat down and wrote on Mon. (B. helped me a lot, telling me that I had to do it and refusing to let me procrastinate by going shopping with him).

I'm feeling incredibly sick today and have clients for almost 8 hours straight. I brought lots of Vitamin C and tea and am hoping for some stamina and for my throat to stop hurting. I'm just glad the paper and gazillion forms are out of the way. I think this might be the first time I've written a paper days before it's due. It's a good feeling.

I feel ready for the next stage of my life; I am ready to finish my internship and to begin working with clients the way I want to.

I'm actually looking forward to the assessment process this time, because it's really much more than that. It's saying goodbye to this chapter of my life, leaving my professors who are dear to me and who have contributed so much to my life and my growth. Thinking about that aspect of assessment fills me with gratitude.

"When you come to the edge of all that you know and are about to step into the unknown, faith is knowing one of two things will happen:There will be something to stand on, or you will be taught how to fly."

I'm realizing that the hardest parts of my journey at LIOS, I was being taught how to fly...

One final paper to go...

2007-10-01T08:46:00.001-07:00

It is all coming to an end. I have a mix of excitement and bewilderment at what it all means, stepping out, the start of my professional life as a therapist, sadness for saying goodbye to some of my classmates and the LIOS experience, and joy in looking toward the future and watching my dreams unfold. Because my schedule is so crazy this week, I need to write my paper (or at least get a draft done) today. My head is not really in a writing place. But after a walk, some good coffee, and finding a way to sit myself down, I will be ready.

Rainy Sunday

2007-09-30T20:51:00.000-07:00

Today was a day for rest. Luna and I took a lovely walk in the rain. Then, later in the evening--God knows why--I watched Two Weeks, which I rented a few days ago. It made me sad in a way I have not felt in a while. Parts of the movie reminded me so much of the time before my mom died. Watching it, I had tears streaming down my face. B. walked in and asked what was wrong and was I o.k. "Not really."

I wish he could have met her. I know that he would have absolutely loved my mom--and she would have adored him.

The movie is only one way in which I have been flooded with memories lately. But it asks a good question, "What are the moments that define your life?"

Books, books, and more books

2007-09-29T10:01:00.000-07:00

Today is the Friends of the Library book sale. I'm very excited. Last Spring B. and I both left with bags full of books. Most books were either $1 or $1.50 and there were some amazing finds. I got a lot of cook books and books on psychology that will be of great value in my practice. B. found some great fiction and several books on evolution.

We have both been so busy lately that it will be fun to go and walk around and just spend a leisurely Saturday together.

Full moon

2007-09-27T14:21:00.001-07:00

Did you see the full moon last night? It was amazing. I have been looking for candles for a while for the office (and home). A friend of mine has a link to Zena Moon Candles on her blog and I ended up buying a few yesterday and got free shipping because it was the day of the full moon. :)

I ordered Radiance, because the Marianne Williamson poem has captured my biggest lesson in the past few years (and current lesson still), Faith, and a Writing candle for B., so that he will be inspired to put his but in the chair every day.

Radiance
"We ask ourselves, who am I to be
brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?
Actually, who are you NOT to be?
You are a child of God. Your playing
small does not serve the world."
—Marianne Williamson

Faith
"When you come to the edge of
all that you know and are about to
step into the unknown, faith is knowing
one of two things will happen:
There will be something to stand on,
or you will be taught how to fly."

Writing
"The art of writing is the art of
applying the seat of the pants
to the seat of the chair."
—Mary Heaton Vorse

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

2007-09-26T20:09:00.000-07:00

Wow. I came home tonight and B. had cooked dinner (from scratch--actually cutting things up like onions, bell peppers, and garlic). I was amazed by that alone. And then he showed me the Web site he made for me today. I love this man more than words.

The content still needs to be worked out, but I'm so excited. Thank you, thank you, thank you!

Joy

2007-09-25T21:26:00.000-07:00

Finally, I have a minute to catch my breath and celebrate. I passed both parts of my clinical orals on Friday. It felt good and for reasons I don't wish to go into here, it was also bittersweet. Now, though I'm in a place where I can really celebrate what it means to have passed both and done really well.

I then spent Fri., Sat., and Sun. participating in a Family Constellation Workshop. I'm not sure I got what I had intended in going to the workshop, but in many ways I got a lot more. I learned a lot about myself--and the power of my intuition and ability to help others, which comes at the right time in my journey. I'm feeling so much more confident about who I am as a person and about how I am working with my clients.

I also got to go to a beautiful wedding on Saturday and had time for a little bit of dancing at the reception.

All around, I am excited about what's before me. I'm trying to just slow down and enjoy each moment as much as I can.

Celebration

2007-09-19T21:08:00.000-07:00

There are days that counseling makes me feel absolutely alive. Every session I had today flew by. When you are there, fully present, there is nothing else like it in the world. I'm so thankful to do this work.

A non recipie for Barszcz

2007-09-19T15:24:00.000-07:00

So, my friend Jen said that maybe I should include the recipe for Barszcz. Therein lies the problem. In Poland, each family has its own unique recipe. B.’s aunt and his mother make it completely differently, even having grown up with the same recipe. And Polish Borsch is very different than Russian Borsch. When I went to the Polish store, the lady behind the counter (guessing I wasn’t Polish) asked if I was making it to drink or eat with a spoon. The version that I’ve had is the type that you drink. It’s very invigorating.

I’ve seen B.’s mom make it twice now: once for Christmas and once at Easter. I think the one she made at Christmas was more traditional. When she visited at Easter, she showed me how to make a “quick version” of Borsch, using store-bought beetroot concentrate, vegetable broth, and misc. spices. Howeer, even her "quick version " was not that easy--and she isn't big on written recopies. Altough she and I cooked it together, there was so much going on that day that I was not able to write down all that she did.

Since then, I’ve made it from instant Polish Borsch mixes a few times, adding in a few of the key spices I was shown (allspice, peppercorns, Majeranek. I think the last one is Marjoram, but I’m not sure). When I made it last time, I started by making a large soup pan full of vegetable broth, made from a loaf of dehydrated vegetables bought at the Polish store. After straining the broth and discarding the vegetables, I added a bottle of beet concentrate, two packets of instant Borsch seasoning (I wanted to make enough to last several days), seven or eight allspice corns, salt, pepper, one beef bullion cube, a large pinch of Majeranek, and a couple cloves of diced fresh garlic. I did a lot of tasting and adding spices here and there and cooked it over low/medium heat for about an hour. (You don’t want to boil Borsch, because it causes the soup to lose some of its beautiful color). That was my make-shift recipe.

B. and I are flying to Nashville soon, as his niece is being baptized and B. has been asked to be the Godfather (an honor I’m sure makes him a little nervous and makes him feel loved at the same time). I think there will be a fair amount of traditional food at the celebration. I’m planning on getting the real Borsh recipe (the kind that takes more than a couple hours to make) so that I can make it from scratch on my own.

I'll add it to the blog then.

Making borsch

2007-09-19T13:02:00.000-07:00

With clinical orals on Friday, I have been spending all of my free time studying. Yesterday my study plans fell through and I spent the entire day doing fun, nourishing things for myself--and didn't study a lick. I went for a walk in the early morning and then again late in the afternoon. It was beautiful, stormy, and crisp; you could feel that fall is approaching. It is my favorite time of year. There is something magical about how everything changes. I have been especially enjoying the wind lately when outside. Inside, it's getting a bit cold, as we are waiting to turn on the heat and wrapping up in sweaters and drinking lots of tea to stay warm.

Because of the weather yesterday, I had a strong desire to make borsch. I stopped at a little Polish deli that B.'s mom took me to when she was here for Easter and then spent part of the afternoon cooking. It turned out great, but it always tastes much better the next day after the spices have settled. It's something to look forward to when I go home tonight.

Couples counseling

2007-09-14T10:49:00.000-07:00

I just got an e-mail from the first couple I saw letting me know how they are doing. It filled me with so much joy. They will always have a special place in my heart; because they taught me so much about myself.

I am a little surprised at how much I am enjoying working with couples. The other day, my supervisor asked if I would like to do some co-therapy couples counseling with her, which also made me feel good--like maybe this is a good direction for me. There is so much depth and good work that can be done when it comes to matters of our most intimate relationships.

The dance of relationship

2007-09-12T21:19:00.000-07:00

Wow. Today has been a learning experience for me. After asking our receptionist about the policy regarding animals where I am interning, I allowed my client to bring her dog into the office despite my better judgment. When I told my client that I needed to ask about the policy first, she let me know that her previous therapist (at the same location) allowed her to bring her dog into session. Midway through the session, the dog started to bark like crazy and all of a sudden there was a knock on the door. I soon learned that having animals in the building is a violation of our insurance policy. What a way to start the afternoon…

Seriously, today has offered me a lot to learn from. It has also shown me ways in which I have grown as a therapist and a person. Somehow I have managed to help one of my clients get in touch with her anger. Right now, much of that anger is directed right at me. And I’m sitting with mixed feelings because of it. I’m not very comfortable with upsetting others or with disappointing them—and I’m really not comfortable with them being angry in response to me.

In the past, I have been very accommodating. [As a side note, I find it interesting that according to Bowen, the person who is most accommodating in a family is usually always the one who becomes symptomatic of what is happening in the environment. Increased accommodation = greater possibility for illness and distress].

When I started my internship, I would resist challenging my clients in ways that made them go to difficult places. I have gotten a lot better at this and slowly am becoming more direct in my interventions. In my recent counseling theory paper, one of my professors—the one who sees me work with clients most—encouraged me to explore the difference between pain and damage and hurt and harm. Because I have seen power drastically misused, I am wary of doing anything that causes intense emotion/reaction in others. However, in being highly aware and responsive to how others are feeling, I can rob others of a sense of responsibility for their own actions and emotions.

Since hearing my professor's feedback, which is shared by other colleagues and faculty I admire, I have wanted to push myself out of my comfort zone and challenge others more without being organized around their response.

Now, not only am I challenging my client and able to sit in a very intense emotional field, but I’m actually working in a way that increases the emotional intensity. It’s a new experience for me. And, honestly, it feels more than a bit awkward. What’s also new is that it tells me in a very strong way that I’m doing exactly what I need to be doing—and am doing very good work.

Today I’ve had a few lessons about boundaries—about give and take and how people do the dance of relationship with each other. Today has felt like a rotten day for many reasons. But part of me is also thankful that I am in this new place and learning how to be different in relationship. It amazes me sometimes, the universe has a peculiar sort of magic in the way that it offers us lessons.

Adventure Sports

2007-09-01T13:43:00.000-07:00

I just found out about my type of mini triathlon event--an adventure race series that involves hiking/running, biking, and kayaking. There is a race in the beginning of Sept. Unfortunately, you have to have lots of equipment, including a mountain bike and your own kayak, plus a first aid kid, a space blanket, a tire pump, a spare, and all sorts of misc. gear, which I have none of....:(

Maybe next year. The thing is the race is about my level--and it would be beautiful (located on Whidbey Island).

Hike to Wallace Falls

2007-08-28T17:17:00.000-07:00

B. and I took the dogs to Wallace Falls yesterday. We checked in to our little cabin, which luckily allowed dogs and then hiked up past the lower and middle falls to the high point of the upper falls--a 1,200 foot gain in elevation. It was almost three miles to the top, but the view from the middle fall area was the most spectacular. Overall, it was a good hike--just the right level, leaving all four of us very tired when we got back to "camp". We had a delicious dinner of soup and "stove top" turkey and cheese sandwiches. The bed in the cabin was much more comfortable than staying in a tent, but I still managed to wake up with a sore back.

We decided to come back home today, longing for a hot shower and lots of soap. At the last minute we decided to stop at the lake on the way home, and I did a good 1/2 mile swim or more, so am very tired. I'll post pictures of the trip in a bit. It does wonders for me to go somewhere and do something physical after module. Plus, it seemed like it had been ages since B. and I were able to go on an overnight trip. It definitely felt rejuvenating!

Lilies

2007-08-21T21:47:00.000-07:00

I have been thinking
about living
like the lilies
that blow in the fields.

They rise and fall
in the wedge of the wind,
and have no shelter
from the tongues of the cattle,

ad have no closets or cupboards,
and have no legs.
Still I would like to be
as wonderful

as that old idea.
But if I were a lily
I think I would wait all day
for the green face

of the hummingbird
to touch me.
What I mean is,
could I forget myself

even in those feathery fields?
When van Gogh
preached to the poor
of course he wanted to save someone--

most of all himself.
He wasn't a lily,
and wandering through the bright fields
only gave him more ideas

it would take his life to solve.
I think I will always be lonely
in this world, where the cattle
graze like a black and white river--

where the ravishing lilies
melt, without protest, on their tongues--
where the hummingbird, whenever there is a fuss,
just rises and floats away.

~Mary Oliver

Walking on the moon

2007-08-21T16:39:00.000-07:00

" Keep it up... We could be walking on the moon."
~Sting

"Walking On The Moon"

Giant steps are what you take
Walking on the moon
I hope my legs don't break
Walking on the moon

We could walk forever
Walking on the moon
We could live together

Walking on, walking on the moon
Walking back from your house
Walking on the moon

Walking back from your house
Walking on the moon

Feet they hardly touch the ground
Walking on the moon

My feet don't hardly make no sound
Walking on, walking on the moon
Some may say, I'm wishing my days away
No way

And if it's the price I pay
Some say
Tomorrow's another day
You stay
I may as well play

Giant steps are what you take
Walking on the moon
I hope my legs don't break
Walking on the moon

We could walk forever
Walking on the moon
We could be together
Walking on, walking on the moon

Some may say
I'm wishing my days away
No way
And if it's the price I pay
Some say
Tomorrow's another day
You stay
I may as well play

Keep it up, keep it up

New and Seleced Poems by Mary Oliver

2007-08-21T16:11:00.000-07:00

B. bought me this book of poems when he did the STP race last year. We stayed the Sunday (?) after the race and then spent the next day at the Chinese Garden and walking around Portland.

I love the town; it is like Seattle used to be, before it was pretentious. I almost moved there in 2000-2001 to teach Japanese (of all things). I wonder what my life would have been like had I moved then?
~~~~~~~~~

I love May Oliver.

For a poet, I feel she has talent that is rare these days. What most affected me is that B. bought me this book, because he knew I liked Mary Oliver--and for no other reason.

I once wrote about one of my all-time favorite poems, Wild Geese, on the blog before we were in a committed relationship. I don't know if he knew that the poem made me think of him.

What I love about B.-and what simultaneously frustrates the hell out of me-- is that he does not fixate on words; action is more important.

Where does that leave me? How can language and words have more weight than what's before me? Where did everything become so black and white for me?

One of my favorite--and most challenging--professors says that people who have early-life trauma can be overly influenced by language. I know that I am. But, I'm also a writer. Each word means something very specific to me. Each word has a nuance, a meaning, and a particular connotation.

One of my closest friends--though I have not seen her in forever-- is a writer. One day she said to me, having never read my poems, that she knows why I'm a poet--that I notice the smallest details. She loves to write--and actually writes a hundred times more than what I have done in the last ten years, but the writing she loves is ...fiction. Not poetry.

I have written so little personal material lately. And B.'s endeavours have inspired me to write--for real-- for the first time in more than a decade. But I'm still not really writing. Sure, I've had to write a ton of papers. And, I have done a number of work projects. But, for me, that is easy. It's interesting, the most personal papers are the hardest for me. If it's just something academic--or just something for business (If I am removed), I could almost do it in my sleep. It's a million years removed from therapy, where to be successful, I need to bring Msyelfsyelf.

wn views on the world--are more of a challenge for me. Sometimes I think, thank God that I did not go to Seattle U. or UW, which both have very strong psych. programs. They would not challenge me at all--nor would they help me really form as an individual or confront my values and place in this world.

I am grateful to be exactly where I am.

How did that happen?

2007-08-19T20:03:00.000-07:00

I actually have done many things since the beginning of August, but have really been running from one thing to another: clinical theory paper (and needed recovery), Pro-Sem, internship.

Honestly, I was not thrilled about writing my paper, but something happened after I turned it in. I have felt a real shift in working with my clients. I believe this shift comes from visualizing the type of therapist I want to be.

I have been more relaxed, have brought more of myself into sessions, and have taken more risks. I have spent less time thinking about whether or not what I'm doing is"right" and more time following my intuition. I have allowed myself to be who I am--to use humor, to disclose when it's appropriate, and to bring more of my humanity to sessions.

In short, I have been trusting myself more--and I am absolutely amazed the difference it has made for myself and for my clients. In the last few weeks, I've also been working on one of the toughest personal cases I've ever had. My recent confidence and bringing myself more fully has helped me through it.

So, my internship has been a little crazy lately--and now there's the multiple choice exam to study for, papers to review, and other ways in which I need to prepare for module. But, overall, I'm in a very good place right now. I just need to convince myself that I am going to be happy and healthy going into module--and spend as much time as possible cuddling with the dogs before school starts.

On the water

2007-08-01T10:36:00.000-07:00

Yesterday B. and I took a break and went kayaking. It was a great upper body workout, as we paddled from the Aqua Verde Paddle Club on Lake Union to the Ballard Locks and back. It took about 3 hours to cover the almost 9 miles. It was such a beautiful day--and just made me want a kayak of my own even more. We saw some paddlers that were going out to the Sound and several beautiful sail boats. I guess a girl can dream...

Anyway, it was a wonderful afternoon. We stopped afterwards for some fish tacos and a couple of margaritas and happened to catch the sun setting over the water.

Life is good

2007-07-30T13:40:00.001-07:00

Paradise

2007-07-27T12:32:00.000-07:00

So...I haven't been blogging and I haven't completely disappeared. What's been going on? Not to worry, I've just been busy lately. The last couple of weeks have been interesting. I've been spending a lot of time recently in self-reflection. For my birthday, I was given several sets of cards from various people, including The Complete Tarot Kit. This week, I have gotten up early, spent time by myself reading and writing, and have been practicing doing a three-card spread to become more familiar with the cards. The more time I spend reading cards, the more interested I am in Tarot. In the past week, the time I've had for myself to read, write, and exercise has been incredibly good for me and for my state of mind.

I have been stressed about my paper, because it is such a personal endeavor. It has been the last thing that I have wanted to do. I feel differently now. I feel like ideas are percolating in the background and I am in a good space to work on it. I believe that I needed to step back for a while and spend time on myself before I could put my time, energy, and heart into the paper.

I had intended to work on it yesterday, but B. and I decided to go to Paradise on Mt. Rainier, as we'd never been there together. We left kind of late and started hiking around 3 pm. B. chose a route that went by Reflection Lakes and then up along the Skyline Trail before going to Paradise. It was late; I was cranky; and I wanted to see the wildflowers at Paradise. I didn't think going on a 4-hour hike that was in the opposite direction of Paradise was such a great idea.

One of the things that I pride myself on is that although I hate to do it, I can admit when I am wrong. After B. prodded me to stop worrying and have a little fun, I chose to look on the bright side.

The hike was absolutely beautiful. In fact, I had the best time ever. I had my cranky moments, but overall it was an incredible day. I fell even more in love with B. It was so good for us. Good for me, too, because it was good to get some exercise. We ended up hiking between 7 and 8 miles. And the timing was perfect. We got back to the car at 7:30, just after it had started to cool down.

So, the hike took less time than I thought and we were able to stop at the visitor center before hiking back to the car to get something to eat. We got there just as the doors were being locked, but someone let us in and we shared a burger and a cup of soup. Lucky for us. :)

What a great day!

Open Sailing

2007-07-22T19:17:00.000-07:00

B. and I both passed the our sailing test and received our open sailing cards today. We had a different instructor than we had last week and I have to say that our teacher this week is much nicer—and a much better teacher. Despite the weather and the relatively light winds, it was still fun. In addition to a written test, we had to do both a capsize and a turtle recovery in open water and successfully rescue a man overboard (or life jacket in this case), which involved using all of the technical skills we learned in the class.

I thought B. would pass, but I had doubts as to whether I would after getting hit very hard in the head last week by the boom. I can’t say that I feel confident about sailing per say. But after what we did today, I do think that I am prepared for what could happen and that makes making mistakes seem less intimidating. I look forward to a nice day when the sun is out and there are better winds. We can take the boats out from Mt. Baker anytime there is a class—as long as we stay between I-90 and Seward Park.

Lying on the Couch

2007-07-21T21:11:00.000-07:00

I just finished Lying on the Couch and really enjoyed it. In some ways it was a good psychology review for the oral exams later this year. As a novel, I can't say it is the best piece of literature I've ever read, but because it has been so long since I read any fiction, I found it light and entertaining and was disappointed when the story came to an end.

Asking for help

2007-07-18T12:04:00.000-07:00

Today, in my group supervision session one of my favorite associates pulled me aside when we were finished and asked me if I ever find it difficult to ask others for help, especially when it means asking them to go out of their way. It was amusing, and I got the point.

I loaned someone my car today, forgetting that B. had agreed to help my brother out on a large work project. I just assumed I would take B.'s car to my internship--no problem. But he needed his car to drive to Sumner. So, I had B. drop me off on the way to meet my brother. But because it was so early, I had him drop me off at a Starbucks that was around 10 min. away. I did not count on it pouring though and by the time I walked to the office, I was soaking wet. :(

Now I'm sort of stuck here and have clients late into the evening. What's worse is that of all the days possible, my cell phone died and I don't have my charger with me.

I could be really frustrated--or I could look at this as an opportunity to discover how resourceful I can be, learn to have more compassion for others who have to take three buses and spend hours every day commuting, or maybe I could seize the opportunity and ask for help. So far,I'm thinking one and two seem like brilliant ideas.

And I'm pretty happy that I can at least recognize that those are easier options for me. :)

The bitter end

2007-07-08T20:26:00.000-07:00

Today was the first day of our sailing class. It was really a lot of fun, although we didn't get to actually sail. Mostly, we practiced how to capsize and recover a boat from both captain and crew member positions. We also learned a lot of sailing vocabulary and how to tie all kinds of knots, including the one pictured here--the bowline. The only problem is that the class is 6 hours long--in the sun. It goes from 11-5, during the hottest period of the day. I'm doing a bit better now, but am still feeling the effects of heat exhaustion--dizziness, nausea, headache, etc. After class, we stopped at Mioposto and got something to eat, which helped a lot.

Next week, I'll just have to get in the water and cool off more and drink lots and lots of water.